Yesterday Reminded Me Of How It Felt To Be Fat And A 9 Mile Run To Rise From My Mire.
Yesterday was a sweaty clammy day and I didn’t feel at all comfortable in myself.
This is a shame as it is the first great day we’ve had weather wise in a while in London.
It reminded me of my days when I was very overweight and I refused to take off my coat even indoors as I was that uncomfortable with my body. I’d spend all day every day pulling my shirt down over my rolls of fat. I hated going outdoors as I thought everyone was judging my appearance.
I loved when it rained as I’d have a legitimate explanation as to why my clothes were soaking wet (not with rain but with sweat)
I think that’s why I enjoyed drinking myself to oblivion when I was younger. I never felt comfortable with my body. It was easier to drink to the point where I no longer cared about how I was perceived than to address any deep rooted problems.
Sometimes it is fucking scary to look inward at yourself but it is worth remembering your outside world is largely shaped and controlled by what’s going on inside. The world might seem like an angry or sad place but it might just be coming from you.
It took me to lose my mind in Barcelona to realise this. During that spell I thought it was raining inside my head and that Sinead O’Connor’s version of Nothing Compares 2 U was playing everywhere I went.
The truth is that I haven’t gained much weight in the last week or two but I know how these things begin. You put on a few pounds after a lot of bad living and then before you know it you’ve put on 50 pounds and you’re back where you started.
Then in 2 years time you go on another crash diet, lose the weight and gain it all back again with the same bullshit.
All fuelled by self loathing or jealousy.
That’s why I’m really glad that I can run. People ask why I don’t push myself and it is because running has primarily been a balancing force in my life. I have managed to keep the weight I lost off now for 4 years and it hasn’t been because of fad diets. It is all down to eating a little less and moving more.
My aim always has been to try to make running as easy as possible. If it is easier to do them my life is easier by association.
Giving up on running has never been a realistic option for me. I know that at some point down the line I will have to start again and it is so much easier to just maintain a fitness level over a longer period of time than it is to put myself through a month or so of intensive exercise.
That’s why I’m delighted to report that I ate sensibly today and ran 9 miles in 86 minutes around Greenwich Observatory. I might not always improve as a runner but I’m gonna keep fucking trying no matter what.
I’m writing this from a bar called The Lost Hour in Greenwich. It is time to relax then go to bed relatively early and get up for another run.