Why You Should Never Get Into Healthy Living
I’m pissed off as you can guess by the title. I spent 4 hours on a bus today from Prague to Leipzig beside a man with a dreadful cold who was using my face as target practice with his sneezing. I guess this is my comeuppance for pretending to have asthma in school and getting 3 months off school with a fake persistent cough.
Anyway yeah, you lot probably shouldn’t get into healthy living.
- The upkeep never ends – You can’t stop or you’ll lose your place. And not just your place in the fitness rat race. Your place against yourself. Your old self which is just still you but you demonize it because you’re scared of what will happen if you recognise your current self in it.
- Adopting a healthy lifestyle and making that change for yourself turns you into a boring cunt – Or makes you even more boring if you were one to start with.
- You are constantly eating and moving to burn what you’ve eaten – Never ending number crunching madness. Can we have 5 minutes rest away from this non-stop fucking fiending? I am so tired. It just seems so wasteful and decadent to run 20 miles only to eat all of that back immediately. You can reach an equilibrium by just staying in bed and snacking on the mattress all day.
- If the afterlife is real then there’s more of this shit to come – Googling “can manna make me fat?” from the pits of hell on an old Moto 3G whilst being made to run eternal treadmill marathons by Satan. Never progressing past the 25 mile mark but getting ever more tired and thirsty. Fuck it all.
- Calories become a currency – I want to buy the least amount of calories for the most amount of money! I wish all meals could be zero calorie like in Pyongyang. Checking everything for calorie content becomes draining. It’s part of the necessary lifestyle change to keep weight off or something.
- Overly positive fitness people on social media – I’m not jealous of them it just hurts my eyes to read “HURRAY! YUMMY! PMPTOS! BALLOT ENTERED 4 IRONMAN LOL TOUGH HILL BIKE SHAKE CLEAN EAT BURN PALEO’.
- The events you enter are all the same – Western culture has trumped and raped everything else so you’re left with the Americanisation of racing with events like the Rock N Roll marathons which usually have nothing to do with Rock Music and are headlined by people like Andre Agassi doing a rap act. I think Lazarus Lake should offer a Dignitasesque service where you can go out on the Barkley Marathons course without a headlamp and have him slowly poach you with a hunting rifle all whilst you’re totally fucked up on laughing gas. Beats dying in your own piss in a nursing home.
- Every workout ends with the workout ending and about 30 fucking minutes at the end of “why am I doing this? could I just not have eaten the entire fucking chocolate bar before I went out?” – Regrets? I’ve had a chew but then again too many chews to mention.