Why I’ve Stopped Eating A Low Carb Diet. I Lasted A Week.
It’s been a week since I started the low carbohydrate diet and I’ve decided that I hate it and I’m stopping this shit at once. I’m going out of my mind with how fucking monotonous this all is.
Here’s why I’m going back to a balanced diet.
- My body odour is fucking powerful. This is quite important. I stink of meat and sweat. It’s fucking gross. I can’t seem to scrub away the smell. Fucking terrible and I haven’t even been running! If I was the landlord of this house I’d ask me to leave. Seriously thinking of going over to the Tesco Express and hanging some Glade plug-ins from my ears and balls.
- I’m sick of eating meat. I never liked meat much to start with but by now I can’t stand it. Having it along with every meal is boring. I’m on the verge of becoming a vegetarian for Christ’s sake. I also hate steak.
- I’m starting to hate dairy too. Eggs. Cheese. Babybel. Ugly scenes inside my stomach. Christ weeps.
- I miss eating salads. Salads with dressings. Pasta salads. Variety. I can’t just eat carrots and lettuce.
- I’ve started going to Whole Foods in Piccadilly Circus every day and I hate everyone in there. Including myself when I’m in there.
- The smell of my own piss offends me. When I started on my weight loss journey it stank of sugar puffs. Now it smells like ammonia. I’m terrified that I’m gonna head into the bathroom one night for a sloppy piss and have Scotland Yard break down the fucking door and arrest me under terrorism charges.
“Nothing that could come out of my cock would threaten national security officer, unless it somehow leaked into a fellow crosseyed deviant’s belly, lay there for 9 months and hatched out as something equally awkward and angry as Pa!”
- I also miss grapes and strawberries. I love both and don’t consider either to be fruits because they are genuinely tasty. Under a low carb regime it is not acceptable to eat an entire punnet of fruit. You must wrap the evil carbs in fucking Ham.
- I miss eating low fat Subways. Even though they are the most depressing place ever to eat fast food in I’ve been a fan of Subway sandwich for a long time. I have all of the vegetables with them.
- I miss Sushi. Especially the Veggie Starter Pack from Wasabi on Wardour Street. I can’t stomach raw fish unless it’s in a rice casing.
- I’m tired of pissing all the time too. I don’t give a fuck if I’m pissing fat either.
I can’t be bothered with the struggle of counting carbohydrates, weighing myself and caring anymore. I hate how life is reduced to fucking numbers. Everything can be quantified. Your weight. Your daily calories. Your miles. Your carbs. The weight of your soul after a bad wank.
We specialise in inventing problems that don’t exist. We worry about imaginary shit as there are no warlords running amok with assault rifles here, except in our own minds where the war never ends.
It shouldn’t really be like this should it?
I sit for too long after work in St James Park watching the waterfowl and they don’t care for any of this shit. They’ve no public image to worry for. They have just bread and the constant threat of death to contend with.
I just wish I could stop caring and stop getting in my own way all of the time. I wish I was strong enough to be balanced 100% of the time like those fucking ducks.
Cunt fucking bastards.