Why Lance Armstrong Should Have A Future In Sport.
We should celebrate the fact that Lance Armstrong is such an unrepentant ‘roid head by starting a new Olympic event where athletes are forced against their will to take Herculean amounts of chemicals in ever more radical combinations before competing in ordinary events like running or cycling.
Armstrong would be the ideal poster boy for this event.
All we would need is one of those huge pharmaceutical companies to pitch it to him in the right way (and most importantly with the right amount of money) and he’ll buy into it in a flash.
I’d love to see him try embark on a stunt that eclipses Felix Baumgartner’s skydive in terms of sheer idiocy/lunacy.
It would be impossible to turn down the opportunity to watch around-the-clock footage of Lance cycling between San Francisco and Washington D.C. with a drip full of L.S.D, Viagra and Smirnoff going into his dick.
It would be an unprecedented television event.
If he can make it to Ohio without chewing his, or another person’s face off, we should forgive him and honour him once more as Captain Livestrong.
If he makes it to Kentucky without fucking a otter, then he should be made world president.
So yes, drug cheats should have a future in sport, but only as human guinea pigs. If they start down the path of cheating, then they should be forced to continue onwards until they meet their natural end.
We’d make leaps and bounds in terms of scientific research and more importantly I’d finally have an Olympic sport that I could follow when drunk.