When I Can’t Sleep I Get A Little Angry
I didn’t come to Europe for the people. Some of my best friends are people but when I’m holed up with 7 complete strangers in a hostel dorm, shit starts to get sketchy especially when I can’t sleep and everyone else can.
In my last night in Vienna a couple sat across on their bed staring directly at me after they arrived around midnight and woke everyone in the room. I’d already said hello to both of them out of politeness but they seemed to want to talk and I honestly didn’t. They’d woken me up and civilised conversation was gonna prove impossible.
I’d never encountered this couple before in my life but I’d stayed with their type in every major European City so far.
Trust fund Americans with 35 litre Berghaus backpacks and tales of bucket list conquests that involve ticking off TripAdvisor ‘Things To Do’ items from a list for no good reason. I didn’t know them but already I hated them. I really struggled to get back to sleep that night and it zapped my energy for my journey to Budapest.
I am glad I said nothing more to them.
Back to tonight.
Some guy has been snoring nonstop for 6 hours. I’ve spent the last 3 hours devising ways to make him stop, the best of which involves throwing my bottle of Coke Zero so hard that it cuts a hole through his head and everything stops.
I want to see the first tentative light of dawn through what remains of his stupid fucking head. Then I want to jump off the top bunk and find the bit of his smashed up brain that was responsible for the snoring and piss on it until it has the texture of old wet cat food.
Any remaining beautiful childhood memories involving ice cream with his mother or long dead family pets, physically exorcised by my stinging hot piss.
I imagine a new vision for Europe where everyone has disappeared but me and the deer roam freely by the Danube. I can rest with a tent wherever I please with nothing to keep me company but some light camping equipment and a 22 gauge shotgun.
As I said, some of my best friends are people. I went downstairs to the hostel reception, explained my quandary and they gave me some free earplugs as a kind gesture.
Humans – not all bastards
PS – I can still hear him snore but it’s quite muffled. Almost sounds like a dog gnawing on some old wall.