What I’d Like To See In My Ideal Running Watch.

I’ve been reading reports about the Fenix 5 watch and I’m impressed by the idea of inbuilt mapping facilities. I think this has the potential to really open up trail ultramarathons to people who normally have shitty navigation abilities.

So I got to thinking. What features would I really like to see in my dream running watch? Here are 8 things I’d like to see.

1. Dog warnings – every dog should have a chip inside of it which can be detected by my watch. The watch will be able to detect the breed of dog so I can make alternative plans if one is near. It will save me from running into a bunch of cunts. I am talking about those type of people who own poodles or toy dogs that look like something out of a Nazi war experiment gone wrong. I should be able to see whether the dog is on a leash or not too. There’s always trouble with those hapless bastards who assume that everyone wants to know their dog and are OK with it sniffing on any old bollocks. I’m not. You’re a cunt and your dog is one too.
   Should not exist. Closer to a rat than a real fucking dog. Total abomination. 
2. Mace dispensing facility – Press the panic button and out shoots the mace into my attacker’s face. Needs a fail safe in case I accidentally trigger it in my pocket and torch my ballbag.
3. Public announcement facility – Press the magic button and the watch shouts out “get out of my way you lazy fucking bastard.” or if used in combination with the feature below it barks out a “countdown to browntown” feature “I’ve 5 minutes left before I shit myself. Get out of my way you fucking derelict ‘
4. Toilet finding facility – If I’m in danger of going code brown I should be able to press a brown button which deactivates my current route and starts giving me directions to the nearest shit house. I’d like it if the watch started barking instructions at me like you see air traffic controllers give stricken pilots as their plane helplessly drops at 600mph to the ground.  The watch then starts playing terribly bleak music that will make the shit retreat back up my hole. Anything by Del Amitri will do.
   
5. People tracking facility – I don’t mean tracking individuals except for recidivists, hippies and/or UKIP supporters. No I want a people traffic report which shows me how many fucking dunderheads are walking on my chosen route so I can have a stress free run. Sick of stamping my feet hard on the pavement just to get retards to look up from their stupid fucking smartphones.
6. Watch with inbuilt crime stats – This will help me avoid the areas I’m most likely to be assaulted in.
7. A watch that can tell me how long I’ve got to live if I keep living like how I’ve lived today – Can’t expect this to be any more than 40 even on a great day.
8. Spandex tracker – This will help me avoid those awful tour de cunts cyclists who think that every town is Amsterdam and they own the fucking place. I’m not talking about all cyclists. Some of my best friends are cyclists. I think that Spandex should be banned. It brings out the latent evil in people.