Waking Up With The Wrong Mindset Again
I went to bed in the wrong mindset and I’ve woken up in the wrong one too.
One thing is clear – I’m not drinking today as that will only make things worse and this is probably the first morning where I haven’t felt better.
Running seems futile as I’ll just eat all the calories back. And I’m fucking bored of the all of the old struggles. Moan, moan, moan. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Eat, eat, eat. Get yourself along to Overeaters Anonymous and get yourself hooked on the acceptable drugs. Nicotine, caffeine and fake humility.
Eventually you just get tired of your own problems and your own you. You could give yourself over to a god you’ve tried but can’t believe in. You listen to theists talking about how they are blessed, but you never even hear them talk about those who are “cursed”. They never entertain the possibility that they are one of the unlucky ones.
God has a plan for you, it’s just everyone else who’s fucked as they are just part characters in your solipsistic wank fantasy.
Since you are the most important person in your own life, you assume that god thinks the same about you. You put to the back of your mind the knowledge that there are billions of people out there who are kinder but infinitely more unfortunate than yourself but put it down to them being born to a country that worships the wrong God. Still you’re blessed.
Back to today
I’m not drinking today and I am running. Thank you to the Action Geordie for his wise words on this subject in a Facebook conversation.
The key is to remain sober, keep running and then sort the eating out. I’ve been doing better recently but I’m still miles away from being a normal functioning bastard.
I’ve been in contact with the guys at SMART Recovery and am going to start attending meetings in the New Year.