Trying To Find Out Who You Are As A Runner…
When I stopped running I went through a phase of questioning who I was.
I’d get fucking drunk, take to Twitter and start saying silly shit like “I don’t know who I am anymore”. I placed so much of myself into running and this silly blog that I lost myself totally when I stopped running and blogging.
Having an identity can be good but in my case I was a fucking angry jogger and I had no idea what that was even meant to mean.
I still don’t. I’m not even that angry anymore when I run. I ran angry when I first started as I thought people were looking at me but that was just silly paranoia.
The quest of finding out who you are
I remember running as a kid and loving it. That was the purist I’ve felt and the closest I’ve coming to knowing who I am.
I am still trying to get back to that place in many ways. I wasn’t born to be an alcoholic. I want born to be that person before life stopped being much fun as a teenager.
I think my mission in life to talk about my experiences and my struggles, to continue to work hard at my career and to be the person I was before I lost my way.
Running from identity.
I find it funny when runners get annoyed when people call them joggers. It’s more powerful than a racist slur to some. People lose perspective so easily.
These days I’m moving so slow that I’m not sure you could even call me a jogger anymore. But I’m glad to be moving. It’s better than the alternative of running as hard as I can and burning out and not moving at all.
Identity is all good for shits and giggles, but some take it too seriously. There’s a disturbing rise at the moment in identity politics, nationalism and patriotism and it doesn’t appeal to me. When you define yourself predominately by what country you’re from, you lose a lot of what is human about you. The bits you have in common with everyone else. That’s why running/jogging/speed-walking is great. There’s a community and it transcends borders.
I can’t be fucked with blaming anyone else for shit that’s going wrong in my life. Dangerous shit happens when you create scapegoats of people. Except when you create scapegoats of those run-walker wankers who stop just short of the finishing line in races and block your way.
They are evil and wrong and need to be punched with hands and feet with much urgency.
I’ve been listening to Alan Watts again which is why I’ve been thinking like this. I could listen to his philosophy videos for hours.