Tips On How To Survive Severely Flatulent Runs
Longest run home ever from work. I say home but I only got as far as Kew. It was almost 15 miles. It took nearly 3 hours. I have no life.
One of the most flatulent runs I’ve ever had. Got the train from Kew Bridge and I was trying to get off at Hounslow but I was on the wrong carriage and had to get an Uber from Feltham instead. Finally made it back to the Travelodge.
I realised half way through the run that I was running with my work lanyard still on. It was flapping around my neck inside Wandsworth Park. I got caught in there and had to do an entire lap of it as all the gates were locked apart from the ones on the east side of the park. I screamed ‘fuck!’ many times. It’s been one of those weeks.
It was one of those runs where I was reminded at every stomach grumble of how dysfunctional my eating patterns are. Everyone in the office snacks on apples all the time naturally and my desk is always a mess of chocolate wrappers and other shitty debris.
Anyway here are some tips on how to survive some extreme flatulence on the run.
- Stop when you have to stop – Adopt the brace for impact position and do your best to fart and not shart. Be aware of your surroundings though. Standing by remote trail in a kneeling position is likely to attract suspicion. Especially if you’re a habitual dayglo wanker like me.
- Run in remote areas – Go where the animals go to die if the pain starts in your hole. Tonight I stayed as long as I could on the Thames Path. There’s always some bushes on either side of the path in case an emergency arises. The last thing you want to do is to shit yourself on Kensington High Street. At least it will stop the muggers.
- Not every stomach cramp is dangerous – You have to be selective of when you tuck in your arse. Batten up the hatches when the serious pain starts otherwise you could strain a muscle in your stomach. Only porn stars are meant to use those muscles.
- Run on as even ground as possible – Rocky trail is not the way to keep your legs shat free.
- Run with a can of Febreze in your hand – And give your arse a courtesy spray every time you pass someone.
- Do not do the two finger test. You never know when cyclists will be bringing up your rear and the last thing you want is to be caught fingering yourself by a nun on a bike.
- Don’t worry about shitting yourself – The fear of shitting yourself only makes it more likely to happen. You can always wash your clothes in a brook or a really deep puddle if the brown comes to town. You might want to shit yourself as soon as possible after you start running to reduce the fear of it happening to you. Only don’t do it in front of a Turkish grocer in Tottenham otherwise you might spend the next 3 years with PTSD from the experience.
- Rain can be your best friend in a flatulent situation – If you shat yourself during a torrential downpour be sure to let the elements at it. It’s like when if you cry for long enough the mascara will stop smearing.