Thoughts On Running And Recovery
I’ve been reading Russell Brand’s ‘Recovery : Freedom From Our Addictions’ and it’s been an inspiring book so far. The book itself is his perspective on the 12 steps that comprise Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.
I’ve been reading through the steps and for the first time I’ve managed to make some sense of the 2nd step which before I assumed just meant “Jesus will bite your fucking straitjacket off you with his bare teeth if you stick the business end of that cordless drill through your skull”
Here’s step 2 if you’ve never read it before.
“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity [from addictions].”
My understanding of a higher power now is a belief that a better version of myself can exist. When I first got sober I had this very belief but I lost it after the first year. I remember seeing myself a year or two down the line helping other people with similar problems. The words “Stay sober and the wind will forever be at your back” always came to mind but I haven’t heard that one in a while.
My mind usually just says crazy shit like
You’re a fat bastard, a communist and a phony. Pay the Indiegogo money back in double OR ELSE!
My problem has been looking back on my past self and thinking ‘Jesus, what a fucking dickhead’. There’s Protestant dignity in loathing yourself at every age. I concentrate on the scorn alone and not on the hope that a better version of myself exists. I’m so negative when it comes to my past. So many embarrassments and a lot of failure but I never look at it compassionately or even objectively.
The truth is that if I knew any better at the time I’d have acted in my best interests.
I didn’t know. I made mistakes as I’ve poor coping skills and the calling of an addictive personality.
Before I started running I wouldn’t have believed that this current version of me could have existed. One who ran ultramarathons and who could quit booze for almost 2 years. Instead of judging my past so harshly I need to find acceptance and peace over all that’s happened and have hope for an even better future.
And to bring me back to present day…
If I’d have known that I was gonna gain a lot of weight over the past two months then I’d have been vigilant about it. I didn’t know it was gonna happen. It has happened.
Do I keep beating myself up about this or do I say ‘look I’ve seen the past and I know I can change again for the better.’?
Two days in a row I’ve ate relatively healthy now. I am completely helpless over my past. Can’t change any of that shit. By focusing on eating healthily today then I at least bring that better version of myself closer to reality.
I’m reading through step 4 now. It’s all about creating a fearless moral inventory of yourself and writing it down. I think most runners are fucking amazing at this step. When I’m out jogging I will automatically recall painful moments all the time and be like “ARGH FUCK, WHY DID I DO THIS”. It happens at least 10 times on each run and I’ve ran about 600 times sober so that’s about 6,000 painful revelations that I can store away like a morbid squirrel.
I’ll have a charge book as thick as Harvey Weinstein’s by Christmas.