The Trivialization Of Alcoholism By A Runner.
Even though I have ran a half marathon every day for the last 24 days I’m still struggling with sleep. The easiest thing in the world right now would be to go and buy a bottle of wine to induce unconsciousness but that’d come at a massive cost and it’s one I’m not willing to pay.
I’ve realised what a fucking idiot I’ve been for trivialising alcohol in the past. A lot of the time I ran so that I could drink and not put on much weight. I wasn’t running to be healthier or to become fitter. I was trying to manage a lifestyle that was increasingly becoming unmanageable.
I think it’s pretty fucking laughable that I ‘rewarded’ myself with alcohol. I thought at first that it helped me relax, but it just made me angry and I ended up doing some stupid fucking things. The next day was never enjoyable. I’d feel antsy and the drain on my finances that it was creating was making life even more difficult.
If alcohol worked as a relaxant I should be the most relaxed motherfucker on the planet considering the past 10 years.
But it doesn’t work and I’m a tense motherfucker
I’m also embarrassed by my ‘You Only Live Once’ philosophy of old. If it’s true that this is my only life, then why would I spend it poisoning my body, killing my health and setting back my fitness? I don’t want to develop cirrhosis of the liver. I don’t want to have a mental breakdown. I want to succeed as a runner and at my chosen career in life.
I don’t want to be a broken man and to live as a shadow of what I could be. I don’t need a drug to be who I naturally am.
So this post is an apology of sorts for trying to promote a drinking and running lifestyle as something admirable. It’s not. It’s fucking sad and I nearly stopped running because of it.
I’ve been sober for 101 days now and I appreciate every day I get. My goal over the coming days is to continue my resurgence and to try to truly find my path in life. When I was drinking I was waiting for my life to come crashing down around me. Now that I’m sober I’m actively building a new life around myself.
I’m not afraid to be who I am anymore. I see no point in hating myself for character defects, especially if I have the power to change them. For ages I was ashamed that I was such a shy bastard. That’s why I drank a lot, in order to ‘come out of my shell’. I was using a drug to try to eradicate my introversion, but instead I was making it worse by getting drunk, doing silly shit, becoming really loud and then collapsing in on myself in mute anxiety.
Fuck that noise. I am who I am. I don’t want to go out socialising most days. I find it incredibly fucking draining and that’s OK.
I will go out when I’m ready and it certainly won’t be to a stupid fucking bar.