The Modern Cycle Of Running Addiction
Below I’ve described the burn-out cycle of the average runner. I offer no advice on how to break out of this cycle. It’s purely for your entertainment. Print it off, take it to your doctor and ask him to call the police on your crazy face.
- Get drunk, enter 12 marathons
- Train enthusiastically for marathons – All shits and giggles at first. You dream of finishing all the events and all the places you will see.
- Run one of the events and then think “shit this is harder than I thought” – Every event is disappointing in some way. You see other people posing for pictures with their medals all radiant and new and you buy into the lie that finishing a race will change who you are. It’s like after a wank when you’re gripped by a mix of shame and relief. It quickly makes way for disappointment and the feeling that you don’t even know who you are anymore.
- Start to eat shit loads of junk food to compensate with the stress of having to run 11 events you’re not interested in – And cycle through all the usual thoughts “Why can’t I be a normal human?” “Why do I have to take this to such awful extremes?”
- Get fat – Burn out in training. Healthy eating and sanity will commence again at some unspecified date in the future. Since you’re running, you cut yourself some slack and reward yourself with a breakfast banquet fit for a medieval King.
- Limp through the 11 events hating most of it – Take to social media and humble brag to try to wring some joy from your eternal struggles. Post some inspirational quotes on social media about being a survivor or a hero. Forget that you’re the one that instigated all of this madness after wine o’clock.
- Jokingly vow to never run again – Make some cryptic social media posts on how you’re struggling at the moment in an attempt to garner some sympathy. When someone asks “what’s wrong?” be deliberately evasive and assure them that you’re actually OK. Then resent them for eternity for not being able to see the depths of your pain.
- Stop running – Miss one long run and decide to have a KFC Bargain Bucket all on your own for breakfast. Spend the night on the toilet with the empty bucket on your head as a way of hiding from a cruel world that doesn’t understand you. Now you can’t run anymore because you’re way too fat.
- See someone you hate showing off one of their medals on social media – Either fester in your own jealousy and start a ranch of house cats or shake your fists in rage at the screen and put on your running shoes and dance out your blues.
- Got drunk enter 12 marathons – And the awful fucking cycle continues and you have to remortgage your house just because you get a bit clicky after 2 bottles of Chardonnay.