The Fear And The Love Of Failure
I ran home in the rain tonight.
It made me nostalgic for home but also kinda scared that in June the weather will be tornadoes, rain and volcanic ash cloud.
I am worried that I will get to Lands End, freak out and delete my blog overnight to try to back out of this run. The more I think about it, the more anxious I get.
Feeling my anxiety is like touching a sore tooth. It’s addictive but painful and it doesn’t do anything for me except make my brain shit itself with worry.
It doesn’t help to think in terms of how far I’ve to go. It’s all about running to the next town and moving on from there. I am not running 25 miles every day for 35 days. I will only concentrate on running today. This run. This moment.
Every limit I’ve encountered has been one I’ve created for myself. I never thought it’d be possible to run 29 half marathons back to back but once I tried it I found I had the strength to do it.
I told myself for years that the most I could ever run was a marathon.
If I go out in training thinking that the most I can run is 20 miles then at best I will achieve 20 miles. More often than not I won’t get to that. Sometimes there’s a benefit to aiming high.
It’s too easy to stay in my comfort zone. The world is scary outside my little bubble.
It’s not until I moved outside of it that I began to think I was capable of more than I’d previously thought.
It was the fear of failure that kept me chained to failure. I was very possessive over my own brand of failure. What would become of me if I succeeded? I only ever had one narrative in life. It was extremely negative. Killing that negativity would have led to the death of the only perspective I’d ever known as an adult.
What would have become of me without a perspective and a sad story to tell myself about life?
I won’t complete this challenge through thinking. I’ll do it by keeping my legs moving and my mind open to the possibilities that lie ahead. I want a new perspective. A new horizon that isn’t dotted with failure and excuses. Self sabotage is self preservation in an odd way. Except if you preserve a self destructive personality you fan the flames of your own demise.