The Disadvantages of Running! 10 Benefits That Come With Being A Lazy Asshole.
I’m having one of those weeks were I’m just tired of running.
When you drill down to it, running is boring. Sure you can run more quickly, run up hills, run across the world backwards with your ass in your hands, but seriously.
What’s the point?
I see joggers in the street and I want to stop them in the middle of the pavement and scream
” What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Don’t you realise that this is bad for you? You don’t want to end up like me do you? STOP NOW!!!!!!!!!!’
With this in mind I’ve went to the effort to compile a list of 10 benefits that come with not running.
- I can walk like a normal human being when I don’t run – When I’ve ran 15 miles in the morning, the first person who sees the aching state I’m in stops and stares as if to say “what happened to you then this time?”. I want to say “your mother happened to me, you motherfucker!” but I can’t be so rude to the old lady who serves me at the cake shop each morning.
- No running, no desperation for food – I can’t curb my appetite on run days. It’s a huge inconvenience. When it hits 12 noon I start to chew on pens and my hands. Food cannot come a moment too soon. It’s only since I’ve started running that I’ve invented a meal called Lunch #3. This is why I’m having such a difficult time saving for Vegas. Food costs a lot.
- I can use my early mornings for resting and sleeping – This is self explanatory. You can only awake before dawn so many times before you hit burn out.
- I don’t have to go ‘intensive’ in the shower before work – When you’ve ran 13 miles and you only have 8 minutes to shower, you have to scrub very hard in all of your key areas to make sure you won’t smell. The inevitable result is that your skin comes off in lumps like the last scraps of chicken flesh on the edge of your plate at Sunday dinner.
- I don’t have to deal with mystery cramps that make me jump up screaming “aw fuck! my [insert body part here]” – These episodes are pretty inconvenient at funerals.
- I don’t have to write a post on my Facebook / Twitter feed describing the run in glorious detail – “RUN FELT GOOD LOL, AMAZING. MY LEGS, PUMPING LIKE 18TH CENTURY MACHINERY. LIMBS LIKE STALLIONS. CHARIOTS. FUCKING BRILLIANT. #motivated #fitspirational #buyonegetonefreeyouWHORE”.
^ You don’t get to see the reality nearly enough. ^
- No crazy post run shit-attacks – 3-4 hours after completing a trying run, my bowels shudder as my large intestine turns itself over like a bear switching sleeping sides. When I haven’t run, I don’t encounter this problem as much. As much.
- No pre-run preparation – This is arguably the worst part of running. I hate having to apply Bodyglide and Vaseline liberally to my sensitive areas before every run. It takes too long and I have to hide the lubricants in a special box otherwise it’d look like I have a crushing addiction to masturbation. Especially if I kept all of the running lube on my bedside table.
- No post run lurgee – If I run for over 2 hours in the morning, I’ll feel quite run down as if I’m catching a head-cold. There is no other alternative but to grin and bear it sadly. It’s a fucking annoyance. Running is meant to make you feel good, no?
- No run no flatulence – The gas I have after running is incredible and I struggle to deal with it. It’s an utter nuisance. Ironically I’d have killed to have this much wind as a 14 year old boy. In school I was a troubled teenager. I got thrown out of English class once for interrupting my teachers’ reading of Robert Swindells ‘Stone Cold’ with a deliberate rasping, stone-cold humdinger of a fart that lasted for at least 15 seconds. It stunned everyone to horrible silence. I got ordered out with a firm ‘go clean your bowels out, boy!’. Word got around of the event and my head of year sent my mother a letter politely requesting her to stop putting cheese in my lunch muffins. Suffice to say, I’ve moved on as a man since then and am glad of my rest days where I no longer have to deal with such monumental flatulence.