The Cycle I Still Can’t Break
Sometimes I struggle at nights mentally and I comfort eat to escape. I get dreadful fucking tunnel vision in the mornings where I can’t see anything good in the future. It takes a long time to shift some days and I know my strategy for dealing with it sucks.
When I’m comfort eating I stop thinking but the peace stops when everything has been eaten. The food makes me gain weight and the weight gain makes me think more about being a fat boy which makes me eat more and it’s not terribly freeing.
The easy answer is to stop fucking eating as a coping mechanism. It doesn’t work.
Just as alcohol doesn’t help me relax when it was making my financial situation worse and I was waking up almost every morning with the awful “what the fuck did I do last night?” anxiety.
Addiction is doing shit to try to make a situation better only for it to make shit worse and to continue to do it.
It’s been a stressful week. I’ve only 1 more week to go of a contract in London and then I’m thinking of moving somewhere else. Somewhere where I can easily afford a nice apartment. Start cooking. Get a pet. Get somewhere with a garden. Actually grow up and grow shitty sprouts.
I really like London and I’d definitely continue to live here if it wasn’t for the silly house prices. I just don’t know where to move to. It’s a bit daunting but I’ve been through many changes and survived.
So yeah. I’m frustrated with myself at the moment as I’m permanently anxious and permanently shovelling shit down my pie hole. It’s not pretty but I’ve gotta be patient with myself. ‘Rewarding myself’ would actually involve maybe not comfort eating. Maybe eating some veg? Maybe giving myself some space and room to breathe?
There are many positives. I’m back on track with my career. If I can target my addictive personality towards work then it will open up a lot of freedom later in my life. I still look back at the early parts of my life and regret wasting so much time but I guess being young is about fucking up.
The worst part of me is my ‘hindsight voice’. ‘YOU FUCKING IDIOT. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT’. When I listen to that voice I stop focusing on what I’m doing now and guess what happens? I fuck things up. I lose perspective.
My hindsight voice never offers me help on what to do now or in the future. It just compels me to make the same mistakes over and over again through ignorance and shortsightedness. It judges the past because it’s from the past and only exists there. If I was sane and/or intelligent I’d stop making life harder by concentrating on something that doesn’t exist in the here and now.
Wish me luck fuckers. 618 days without booze and 604 days run streaking. Continuing for just one more day…