The 11 Steps To Falling As A Runner
Thanks to Alf Fireplace for falling on her run this morning and inspiring this blog post.
I bet as a runner you’ve fallen right? If you haven’t you probably think it’s a simple process. Happy jogger up on feet one minute, sad jogger down on ground next? No. It is way more complicated than that.
Here are the 11 steps that we go through when we fall. Being a tall bastard I have plenty of time to contemplate falling as when I go down it’s like watching a skyscraper full of fat horses capsize in slow motion.
- La-de-da-running along oblivious as fuck – This all starts off with you running along absent-mindedly either in a state of fury and bliss, you catch your foot on a rock or an uneven bit of pavement and then “oh fuck!”
- Initial “lol” reaction – There’s a certain disbelief that you’ve stumbled like this again. You know to outsiders that you look ludicrous and this inspires the lols. You might even burst into laughter but that never lasts for long as it soon gives way to..
- The “oh my god maybe I can still save this” feeling – You stumble but then you temporarily regain balance for a while but then start to fall again like a barrel full of piss and cheese. Sometimes you just skip this step altogether if the fall is especially bad.
- The ‘oh no I’m falling I’m fucked and my heart is my mouth’ sensation – Adrenaline kicks in and you brace for an impact. You do anything you can to not land on your head. Your tiny little dinosaur hands come out like the landing gear of a stricken aircraft. It’s hopeless for what seems like an eternity. You pray for it to be quick but it never is.
- The sheer pain of landing – You suddenly realize that legs and concrete aren’t meant to meet for this very reason. It’s kinda inspiring in a way that it’s possible to feel this amount of pain.
- The immediate embarrassment and the redressing of bystanders – After the fall you don’t give a fuck whether your leg is hanging off or not, the key question is did anyone see you fall and are they laughing? If they are then this gives way to..
- The jumping up to prove you’re OK – Laugh it off. “I do this all the time! Ha-ha! See! I’m like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality.” Do a happy little jig to show you’re aware of the joke. If anyone offers you a hand up you refuse immediately as YOU’RE FINE, IT’S PERFORMANCE ART.
- The damage check – Do you still have a leg? If not, you’ll try to run home anyway until you bleed out or are transported to the hospital.
- The anger at the terrain – You do not run all lopsided. It’s the earth’s fault. Why not target a boot at the ground that tripped you as revenge and maybe you can fall over for a second time in exactly the same way just so you give your audience value for money!
- The acceptance and prevalence of pain – After many miles of hobbling home, you finally see the lighter side of your trip. You survived!
- The healing process begins – You vow to be more careful in the future. You bore everyone with your war stories. Man vs Gravel. Guess who didn’t win for the 150th time this year? No one listens or cares so you go out running tomorrow night all angry and guess what happens again?