That Awkward First Post Back After 3 Weeks Of Fun
Hello everyone. I’m back. I’ve been going through an odd spell recently. Not exactly a bad one. But a little turbulent.
I haven’t been posting here as I haven’t been running outside. I’ve been going to easyGym and trying out some light workouts on the bike, treadmill and elliptical just to keep myself balanced. I don’t have the energy or the will to throw myself into yet another fucking marathon schedule. I can’t be fucked with that at the moment.
Ever since I moved back to London I’ve been feeling quite lonely. When I first moved over here I had to worry about the 100k, the fundraising for that race, finding a job, a house and then writing the book.
I’ve sorted all that shit out and now my mind isn’t preoccupied with anything…I’ve made a bad habit of trying to drown out the loneliness by going to the West End and that usually ends with me spouting a load of shit on Twitter and feeling like crap the next day.
It’s poor form.
Finding the source of the fucking anger within.
It’s still there and it’s always been there even with my running.
I am an angry jogger as I use the same hatred I targeted at myself to fuel my running. There’s nothing wrong with running with hatred as long as I acknowledge it.
By ignoring my negativity it has been finding more creative ways to surface and it will grow in force. It will hide behind my thoughts and fuel self destructive behaviour. The only way to defeat it is to bring it out into the light and examine it for what it is.
What is it?
Well I’m lonely. That’s really it at the moment. Going to the gym helps. Talking with people helps. Going to the West End and getting fucked up doesn’t help.
I am lonely but that’s OK when I actually fucking acknowledge it. I can take steps to make shit better. I want to stay in London but I want to do it in my own way. It’s got to be different from last year.
That’s why I’m taking everything at my own pace this year. No great challenges.
I just want to be well. I’d love to run my 10th marathon sometime this year which is why I’m going to the gym regularly but other than that I’m not going to push myself.