It’s been a week of bad food choices. As I write this I’m on the Piccadilly line between Acton and Heathrow and I’m fighting the dreadful urge to shit myself. Before this, my diet was so much better. I could easily travel the 19 stops without even a hint of trouble from my hole. All last week and the start of this have just been wrong.
When I get bad news I do not cope well and this is the result. I’m trying to contract hunt and work at the same time and it’s difficult doing both to the best of my ability. I’ve only 2 days left now of it and I need to keep trying my best but it’s wearing me down a little and when I’m feeling shit, I eat like shit which makes me feel like shit and……….fucking hell you’d think I could break this by now, yeah?
I alighted at Hammersmith and got an extra spicy Wasabi. Then I got off again at Acton in a real panic. Then I was almost ready to get off there at Northfields and I realize none of this is normal. Eating 4000 calories a day is not normal. Trying to find out and be what normal is, is an exhausting process.
I don’t want to identify with depression anymore. If I say that I have it, it is almost like saying that it has a place in my life. It shouldn’t.
One of the benefits of living at Heathrow is that I get to see the planes landing in the morning. Sometimes it is foggy and the planes cannot land without visual assistance from equipment on the ground.
Depression is like that I guess. This morning I could not see anything or feel anything or be anything other than a Herman Munster shaped sad sack with a cologne of failure and mild desperation.
There’s so much to look forward to but I lose sight of it too easily and the day quickly becomes about survival. This sounds fucking stupid as I’m in a great situation but it’s difficult to see that when the fucking fog descends.
I want to be working on a contract I can excel at. I’ve tried in my recent ones to really excel as failure isn’t an option anymore and then this feels like a failure. I know it’s not rationally but emotionally?
I’ve 4 options now and I don’t really know what to do for the best.
- Book a Travelodge in Staines and continue my contract search from there and run along the Thames Path for a few hours each morning/afternoon.
- Book an Airbnb in Germany and live there for two weeks and do the same as above.
- Do something like a Grand Union Canal run for 5 or 6 days and then decide. (this feels wrong)
- Move to somewhere cheap like Croatia and stay there until Christmas. (this also feels wrong)
Any ideas are appreciated. I am clueless.