Stepping On The Scale When You’ve Been Bad Is Always The Hardest Thing
Today I weighed myself for the first time in a few weeks and I’ve gained again. It’s only 2 pounds but I’m going completely in the wrong direction at the moment.
All this week I’ve been lying in bed for hours on end. I typically go to sleep at 10am and then don’t wake up until 4pm. I fucking hate how sweaty and awful I’m feeling right now but I haven’t found the strength to address it. When I compare how I feel now to how superb I was feeling only 2 months ago I can’t help but wonder what fucking happened?
I’ve spent all week hiding from the scale and accountability. When I know I’ve gained weight, the last thing I wanna do is confront it directly. Much easier to just wear baggy clothing and pretend that nothing’s changed (and even then I’m always uneasy, pulling my shirt down over my body, squirming around uncomfortably to find the position where I feel less fat).
It’s too convenient to blame the holidays for losing control too. I could use that excuse if I hadn’t been eating like it’s Christmas every day for the last 2 fucking months.
Up until now I’ve been unable to find the spark to get up off my ass. It’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m lost. Writing the book was therapeutic in that it helped me work through my anger. Now I don’t have that to draw on and I’m going through a crisis of sorts about my identity.
Who am I if I’m not an angry cunt who runs?
When I see others talking about running on Twitter I’m intimidated by their drive. I don’t even want to run. It seems pretty pointless. I’d rather just stare at the fucking ceiling all day. I haven’t even been drinking alcohol or watching TV recently. 20 hours a day in bed usually in silence. Just sad, numb, resignation. I leave now and again for the kitchen but that’s it.
Weighing myself today has been a wake up call. I want to go back to feeling fantastic like in October. The New Year holds so much potential but once again I’m trapped within my own shitty mindset. The more frustrated I feel, the harder it gets to break away from this. Kinda like fighting quicksand.
I want to find myself again.
I’ve had so many false starts with getting back on track over the last month that I look like a fool. The important thing is I’m still fighting. I will get back on top of this. I just need to get the old fire and anger back. I will only lose if I start denying where I am now.
I’ve been eating better today and am swinging this back in my direction again. It’s so frustrating to be back to where I was this time last year but that’s where I am.
I’m gonna make sure this never fucking happens again. In 2015 I am taking back complete control and I’m going to feel better than I ever have before.