Starting To Enjoy My Run Commute
My run commute is becoming fun after all the hatred last week.
I still hate all of the stopping and starting at all the bridge intersections in London but I love running by the Thames through Victoria and Chelsea. Really pretty and it makes me feel alive.
My only concern is that the police are gonna call me in at New Scotland Yard when they smell my jacket. Could count as bioterrorism. Not even Persil can get the smell out.
It gets great just after Wandsworth Bridge when you cross over to the South Bank and run towards Putney. It’s very peaceful around there. I love the Thames Path after Putney all the way towards Henley. Civility. Englishness. Cheddar fucking cheese. Michael Gove buggering an Ostrich. Tim Henman executing a pheasant with a badminton racquet.
I do feel like a stranger in England at times. At least in the South. In Liverpool, Manchester and the North the people are slightly unhinged and….desperate. I can relate to that desperation. It means more to me than any flag in the world. That same desperation can be quelled and dispatched of in Teddington with some cream cakes and a half pound of cocaine for breakfast.
Southern English people are composed. Northerners can easily mistake this for arrogance. Many from Northern Ireland have an inferiority complex towards people from the Home Counties. We think that they are better than us so we go over to their shops with our dodgy Bank of Ireland Sterling notes and try to start a fucking legal tender fight to feel better about ourselves and our place in the world.
The only way to win the love of the aloof English is to be 100 times more aloof than them. NEVER APOLOGISE TO THEM. EVER. JUST DON’T DO IT. Unless you’re actually sorry and/or not a cunt.
Here’s an idea if you’re a Northerner. Go into a cafe in Teddington by the Thames. Order tea but bring your own cream. Grab the teapot off them and shout “Hardly cricket is it old chap” before lobbing it into the river. And then start putting the furniture into The Thames. They will respect you and you will get a free lunch. Trust me, it works.
If you go to a cafe anywhere near Richmond and they have water resistant furniture tell the waiter that you know the Irish have been here and you want to know exactly what they fucking did this time. This will get you 10% off your order and if not, put 10% of the furniture in The Thames.
10 miles tonight! All the way to Hammersmith snaking along The Thames like a serpentine miner.
I haven’t run all the way to Heathrow to Central London yet but I suspect I will at some point. It isn’t much fun getting on at Hammersmith sweating like a bastard and then having to wait in the freezing cold for the 222 to the Travelodge.
I did that tonight and tried hiding in one of the chicken shops around Hounslow West as the bus wasn’t for another 15 minutes but they could tell I wasn’t gonna buy anything so I ran away. Impossible to shoplift in a chicken shop unless you’re good at acrobatics.