So You’ve Finished A Long Distance Event, Eh?
You’ve just crossed the fucking finishing line and the hell starts with a vengeance now. Here’s what to be prepared for.
- The pain doesn’t finish at the finishing line – In any long distance event you have to pick up your medal, your t-shirt and your baggage and that’s before you get back to your hotel or your house. If you’re lucky you can get an Uber to your door but getting in and back out again is a pain in the hole. Over the coming days the pain will be bad and you’ll be scooting around town like a dog.
- The shitty post race goodie bag – It always fucking sucks and it’s full of the shitty trial-sized portions ‘health’ food that makes you feel like hell. I just dump mine these days. It’s easier than facing the inevitable disappointment. If you’re gonna give out a goodie bag stuff it full of shit runners want. Like chocolate, Tramadol and vodka. This one has been contested on the Angry Jogger Facebook page.
- Relaying how the event went for you truthfully to friends and loved ones – You can’t say something like “It went shit. My tits are ulcerated. I smiled for the first time in 10 years at the finish line and my ass cracked open wide. I want to die”. The only acceptable answer is “it was totes amazeballs 🙂 #fitfam #floss #my #balls”.
- The post event blues – You’ve spent so long training for an event and now that it’s all over your life can seem empty and meaningless. For some reason you begin to miss the 5am runs. This is because you’re morphing into the sadist you are at heart. Next you’ll be wanking in the dark to Mrs Brown’s Boys with a dolphin mask on. You cunt.
- The disappointment you feel in yourself – Even if you met your race goals you’ll still be unhappy with some part of the day. After last week’s 50 miler I was really annoyed that I didn’t run the last half of the race faster than the first. This came close to ruining my day as I’m an idiot.
- The invitation that comes 3 days later to view your photographs – “Matt, your ultra marathon photos are ready! Pay us £159.99 and we’ll send you 12 ultra high resolution pictures of you grunting with a sex face on”. Fuck off. I wouldn’t buy my pictures if they cost £1.59 and were filmed by the ISS. If I want to look at failure I can do it for free in the fucking mirror.
- The non stop hunger – Any weight you lost in the running of an event will be regained your appetite is as terrible as mine. It makes you feel hopeless and out of control. Besides, why couldn’t your hunger have happened at 20 miles in the race when you really needed food to get you through the wall? So inconvenient.
- The compulsion to do it all over again – Running isn’t always enjoyable which makes the compulsion to enter more races all the more baffling. If you get involved in a light car crash you don’t go out of your way to start veering into other motorists in normal life. That’s because you’re a sadist and the same thing happened in J.G. Ballard’s ‘Crash’
- The smartarses you have to face in work the next day – Who will ask you if you won the race or not. They might tell you that they don’t even drive 26.2 miles a week. Be proud of them. They are considerate to the environment and without them we’d be living in Kevin Costner’s Waterworld right now.