So………You Want To Know How To Annoy A Runner?
I’ve compiled the greatest list yet of ways to annoy a runner. I’ve spent so many hours out there in the dark on my own getting annoyed by all sorts of bastards that I felt it would be a shame not to share what I’ve learned in this time.
Let’s face it runners love to be angry. It helps them actually feel something in this post-truth Trumpington wank-fantasy where we’re one bad synaptic jizz away from the apocalypse.
Here are 13 of the best ways to annoy a runner..
- Tell them that they are running wrong – This will seriously piss off most runners. There is no way to run wrong unless you’re trying to copy the mad sisters who ran in front of the trucks in ‘Madness In The Fast Lane’. Or if you’re doing it naked. Running is personal to us all and we do it for our own reasons. Which is why most of us will get defensive as fuck if we’re told that what we’re doing is not legitimate.
- Turn up at your local Parkrun or other charity fun run with a “win at all costs” mentality – Use your elbows and intimidate your opponents by screaming “DROP YOU CUNT” at everyone . Chat shit and make generalisations about everyone there. Try to turn runners against one another. Make it like the Olympic Games 800m final if Hitler won the war. Turn up wearing a motorcycle helmet to show you’re there “to go hard or go home”
- Be triumphant in races – Instead of trying badly to suppress your glee when overtaking someone try shouting “YES! UP YOUR FUCKING HOLE!”. If someone overtakes you try shouting “FUCK YOU, YOU CHEATING CUNT!”. You can make this funnier by shouting out the exact same thing every time like one of those bad sports games for the Super Nintendo.
- Always refer to runners as joggers – The hardcore set of runners will be mortally offended. Calling a runner a jogger is as offensive as labelling an upstanding member of your community as a militant sex offender.
- If you’re out driving and you see a runner at a junction, never indicate – Keep them guessing. To really fuck them off, try turning in and then pulling the brake on. Then wave them on. Put your foot down. Wave them on. This could go on forever potentially.
- Confirm their worst fears about running – Tell them all of your old war stories about bloody nipples, shitting yourself, vomiting and getting attacked by people and animals. They will never want to run again once you’ve finished with them.
- Call someone who is obviously struggling in a race a lazy bastard – “Good to see you finally let people stop lapping you on the couch you lazy bastard. Now come on. Get those legs up high!”. You will have a new friend for life and they could very well recruit you as their coach.
- If you’re a cyclist always cycle on the pavement around a runner – Do it slowly. Pretend that you’ve just had your stabilisers removed for the first time. Be sure to swerve indiscriminately just to wind them up even more. Ring that bell too.
You might want to avoid taunting some runners after all..
- Run alongside them uninvited – To really fuck them off try mimicking their eccentric running style. Keep to their pace. Most runners will be annoyed that you’ve had the audacity to run at ‘their’ pace.
- If you’re in a supermarket with a runner who has just finished running and you are behind them in the queue, sniff loudly – Short sharp sniffs. Repeatedly. Pretend you’re one of those drug dogs they show in documentaries like Stormtroopers Frontline – Border Patrol. When I’m in a supermarket after a run I try to stand as far away as I can from other shoppers so that I don’t knock them out with my BO. I’m self conscious as fuck. If someone ever says anything I’m just gonna open up the nearest canister of fabric softener and spray it on my balls and start crying.
- If you see someone running towards you stand still and look towards them – I tried this one in Hoxton earlier and it definitely works. Do nothing. Say nothing. Silence is reverence. I could sense the runner ready to burst out of himself in a rage. I will get myself killed like this soon.
- A similar approach works with gyms – Especially if the treadmills are by the windows facing the street. Stand with your mouth open. Stare in at a runner. Look at them jogging joylessly on the spot. They’re in a bad marriage with a machine they hate and they’re going nowhere. Probably doing this because they’ve received an ultimatum off a spouse. Lose weight or get the fuck out. Knock on the window to say hello. Wave to them. In this cold digital world it is probably the closest thing you’ll come to making a meaningful connection all fucking week.
- Jokingly ask someone who is running in the street “what are you running from?” – This could backfire if the answer turns out to be “ISIS”.