Running And Walking An Ultramarathon Because There’s Something Wrong With Me Over Here.
I was trying to run a 50k yesterday. I’ve had lots of energy recently so I thought why the fuck not?
It didn’t happen.
My bumhole has awoken again from it’s Henley slumber – but with violence. I only got as far as 2 miles before I had to make an emergency pitstop at Tesco.
Then it was good until I got close to Old Harlow 18 miles further North. I drank a 1.5 litre bottle of Volvic Touch Of Fruit all in one swig in a bus shelter and the cringing bowel pain started after 4.5k.
I stopped off in a wooded area and thought about using my socks as toilet paper but I was terrified of being caught in the act by the Met or an old person walking a dog. Seeing me squatting and scowling would probably cause them to have a stroke on both sides of their brain at the same time and I’d struggle to live with the fallout from that.
I started up again once I had some confidence that my sphincter was watertight and only got half a km past Sawbridgeworth when someone outside their houseboat shouted ‘Pokemon Go, or sniff some glue?’ at me. At first I thought they were badly channeling the spirit of Dee Dee Ramone via ouija board, but it quickly became apparent that she was off her tits on something fantastic.
Kestrel Super and Superglue probably.
I pretended not to hear her but I was terrified and my arsehole was grumbling again and I knew I had to either shit or get off the pot. I stopped and searched for concealed locations but carried on walking. For some reason the turd retracted up inside of me like a Whack-A-Mole.
Regardless, I completed an ultramarathon. I ran 39k according to my Strava and walked most of the distance between Sawbridgeworth and Bishops Stortford which is about 5 miles so that definitely fucking counts.
It was a lovely night and I will do the 50k soon. I’m taking Imodium with me on my next run just in case shit happens again. I honestly don’t feel OK about shitting outside. It’s wrong and it makes me heart feel sad.
I documented my odyssey on Strava last night. It’s the first time I’ve had to abandon 3 separate runs in one day.