Recording My Slowest Ever Half Marathon And Celebrating It With Jaffa Cake Exorcism Vomit
I ate 24 Jaffa Cakes for breakfast and then went out running immediately afterwards.
It was a huge mistake.
I think my stomach has shrank in recent weeks with the weight loss and I can’t handle the crap I usually stick in my face.
The first 5k of my 21st half marathon was fucking miserable. The pain inside my belly just grew and grew and eventually I’d surrendered to the idea I was gonna have to barf.
I got to Stamford Hill, found a bin and started vomiting out the Jaffa as if my life depended on it. I was worried that a member of the Hasidic Jewish community was gonna approach me and assume that I was either just a typical belligerent Irish man out on the piss, or that I was casting aspersions on Jaffa, Israel by deliberately vomiting out their most famous produce.
Fortunately no-one else around and I only heaved twice. It didn’t interfere with my pace which was already shit.
I was running under the illusion that the longer I ran for, the more my body would’ve had time to break down the remaining Jaffa Cakes but as they worked their way into my system, the farts began. This meant I couldn’t vomit again otherwise I’d be unable to stop evil coming out of both ends.
I finished the half in 2:42…
This may have been my slowest ever half marathon, but it was my finest hour of the month. I was so close to stopping at 10 miles as the discomfort was that bad and it was beginning to get dark by the canal. I cursed myself for being such a stupid careless cunt with the cakes but the self hate didn’t make me run any faster.
And in more positive news…
My weight is down below 200lbs.
Before anyone asks, I am not a Jaffa Cake bulimic. I’ve been losing weight through the half marathons and eating less. My body weight tonight is 198lbs which is almost down to the lowest in my adult life.
That means I’ve lost 12lbs in the last 3 weeks. It sounds a lot, but I have ran almost 280 miles in that time and up until today I’d been eating well.
My lower body weight is making it easier to run faster. I’m working on keeping my efforts down to a bare minimum and freewheeling my way through the rest of this.
I’m hoping to finish the challenge off strong. I will not gambling with Jaffa Cakes ever again.
Too fucking dangerous.
And tonight’s special song is on topic.