One Year Ago Today I Came Up With The Idea For The Book.
I’m going back to London later today and I’m feeling quite sad and I don’t know why. I’ve enjoyed being back in Northern Ireland for the holidays but I really need to get the year started and it isn’t going to happen here.
I think I’ll stop off at the new Sweatshop in Belfast and buy a new pair of running shoes. My current ones have no support left. That tends to happen when you put 1,500 miles into them.
Important anniversary, the birth of the book.
One year ago today I left for work for my first day back after Christmas, only I didn’t arrive that day. I experienced a terrible panic attack at Lisburn train station that made me think I was losing my mind. I couldn’t see a way out from my problems and I felt everything in my life was ending. I’d spent the previous two months trying to ignore all of the hopelessness inside, only for it resurface in force that day.
I couldn’t see a way out at all. I didn’t want to continue to live in the same way. I had no options left.
Fortunately I saw sense returned to Belfast and sat in Starbucks for 3 hours not knowing what I was gonna do with my life. I cursed myself for being such a messed up cunt. Most people get the post-holiday blues when returning to work, but very few have a full on fucking meltdown.
It didn’t make any sense.
That’s when I came up with the Indiegogo campaign to fund the idea of a book about running.
I spent ages thinking that no-one would be interested in the idea of a book, but in the end it got successfully funded and now I’ve released it.
One year ago the book wasn’t even conceived as an idea and now it’s out there.
Crazy how shit can change so quickly.
I’m ashamed by how low I let my mind sink during that time but when you feel like you’re sinking it’s hard to pull yourself back.
Thankfully my mental health is much better these days. London has shown me that there is lots to live and work for in life. I just wish I had the guts to move to England when I was younger and better prepared. Waiting for a crisis to develop was fucking insanity and dangerous.
If you’re feeling depressed at the moment, you can work through to the other side of your problems. You don’t have to harm yourself to end your life. You can choose a different life for yourself and end your current one. Reinvent yourself. Go in for a sex change, move town, stop attaching yourself to what makes you miserable. No one cares if you’re a martyr to your misery.
You aren’t helping anyone if you’re making yourself fucking miserable.
Making a drastic life change might draw ridicule from those around you, but you can never be certain what it can lead to. If you hate your life then there are options out there. You don’t have to be anywhere today. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.
Realising that is your first line of defense against hopelessness.
I’m treating today as a new start. I’m pretending that I’m moving to London for the first time and I’m intent on making it a success. For all it’s madness 2014 was a good year.
2015 will be a lot better. I’ve got a place to live in London, I don’t have to train for a 100k and I’ve no fucking book to write!