National Mental Health Day Post
Fucking hell you cunts, I missed National Mental Health Day yesterday and I’m mad about that so here’s the post I should have written yesterday.
Around this time 2 years ago I was moving in a bad direction. I was writing my book and drinking whiskey every single night to try to help the process along. At the same time, I wasn’t running much and I was gaining weight all of the time.
When I ran it was always miserable. I spent the entire run beating the shit out of myself mentally. It wasn’t fun. I was always checking my GPS watch for my current pace and I couldn’t run at a pace that I was happy with.
Unsurprisingly I stopped running for two months. My drinking continued. By night I was devastated that I’d given up on running and I’d drink 3 mini bottles of Jamaican Tonic Wine to stop thinking. Stop feeling. Get numb.
When the numbness subsided I’d become so angry with myself for capitulating in such a hilarious way, but I’d do nothing about it. I thought that the booze was helping me as it made the shitty feelings and thoughts disappear for a while.
I started running again in Spring 2015 and I was devastated by how much fitness I lost after gaining 20 pounds.
It’s only now in October 2016 with 11 months of sober time that I’ve finally lost those 20 pounds again and it’s taken a change in both my outlook and my attitude.
I don’t have to run. I get to run.
I get to run every single day. At first my run streak seemed like a struggle. I’d wait until 11pm to do a little 5k around Tottenham in the dark but I always came back feeling better.
It’s not that I can’t drink. I can drink. I’ve proven that many times over. I don’t drink as I want to focus my attention on my health and my career. If I get to 40 years old as a drunk, then my life after that will be fucking shit.
Every day feels like my last chance. Tonight could be the night where I get stabbed by some mad hoodie bastard in an underpass. I don’t care. I’m a determined bastard. I’ll jog to hospital and try my best to run in circles around the ward as my wounds seep and the machines beep.
I’ve written this as I haven’t been feeling brilliant in the last week. I had one good day on Sunday and I capitalised on it by running a half marathon.
I am hopeful that I will have many more good days in the future.