Training for the Paris Marathon is officially complete and I’m quite sad about it.
I don’t like letting go of my training schedule and even now I’m trying to convince myself into “just one more run”. You can tell you have an addiction when part of your brain won’t just fucking leave it.
Fortunately I know at this point it would be counter productive to go out again.
Even if I did run in the next few days, it wouldn’t be enough. The truth is I don’t think I’ll ever be as ready as I want to be.
The final run
Today I had 8 miles scheduled for my jog but ran 11 instead.
The longer distance was more of a case of atoning for my sins last night after consuming a delicious Four Seasons pizza and half a tub of Ben and Jerry’s in one sitting.
It was a lovely day outside too. So many other runners were out pounding the pavement and I made sure to nod at every one of them like a fucking maniac. I even waved at cars again.
It would seem I’m either the Angry Jogger or the Delirious Jogger and nothing in-between.
I didn’t run any sub 9 minute miles and I think my average pace was a 9:33. I wasn’t out to break any of my PB’s though.
Lacking stability as a runner
I seem to eat junk when I’m either sad or tired and then have to make up for it the next day with more intensive exercise which results in me being even more tired and sad come night time. It’s a vicious cycle.
I had the same sorta relationship with alcohol in my mid-twenties where I’d drink to forget, act crazy, hurt someone and then feel even worse next day. I’d then drink to ‘feel better’.
I run to escape too..
The difference between running and alcohol is that the former intensifies reality whereas the latter distorts it.
I run from my emotions both figuratively and literally. There’s a lot inside burning and I rely on it to get me through 40 miles week.
But when that fire burns out I’m just left with a smouldering mess of emotions/memories/regrets and paranoia about the future. That’s when I eat junk food. It seems to calm the shit that’s going on inside.
The good thing about running is that isn’t adding any more issues to my pile. I seem to come up with solutions to my problems when I’m outside jogging.
When I drink too much I cause more problems for myself.
The flip side of determination
It’s made me realise that what drives me to run and to eat junk food are two aspects of the same thing.
I’m frightened that if I finally achieve peace of mind that I’ll lose the same fire to run and I’ll go back to how I was before.
It seems to be getting better though.
I’m feeling worn out tonight but these down sessions never last as long as they did before.
I seem to be on the way up.
I may well still be running away from shit, but I’m closer to getting to the bottom of it.
And I know one thing, having a fucking Pot Noodle tonight will not help anything.
4 days to go until Paris and I’m eating healthy until I hit Amsterdam, then I’m having many fucking FEBO’s.
by Matt the Angry Jogger
Angry Jogger loves running to lose and maintain his weight. He started running as an obese man and is now only overweight at 200lbs. He started off at 280lbs.