My Daily Diet – Foods That I Eat To Help Me Lose Weight And To Sustain Me As An Angry Runner.
I don’t know about you but I get fucking tired of reading all of the running blogs that recommend you have porridge, granola and bananas for every fucking meal.
Here is a list of all of the food I ate today. It came to 2,990 calories in total which represents a calorific deficit (I managed to walk 6 miles today which means I’d have to eat roughly 3,100 kcal to break even).
Cheestrings – 240 calories
Can’t really remember eating these. I woke up at 7am and the empty wrapper was on my bedside counter. It was a packet of the Cheese & Onion variety which are a welcome addition to the expanding Cheestring family.
I last had a packet of this flavour when I was drunk coming off the plane home from Heraklion. I was so dehydrated that swallowing the string cheese was like being force feed wool wire.
No such problems here.
Meller – 156 calories
Meller are a soft chewy toffee that I often buy from the train station in order to make my morning commute less painful. I hate staring at the same sad stoned heads that have all had their Soviet Porridge oats like good little vessels. Cup my shaft with your flag and bring my cock to tears you little ballbags.
Tesco Just Ham sandwiches – 240 calories
I have breakfast for real at my desk just before 9am and I try to eat something that isn’t horribly calorific. I’d normally have the Pastrami Slider selection from Tesco but I’m well short of money after booking Las Vegas. These tasted like shit. But when it comes to Vegas or just Ham a man has to roll with his heart.
4x250ml Tesco Diet Kx – 40 calories
I’ve had to settle for the sugar free own brand energy drinks because of my holiday booking.
In recent months I’ve grown fond of the Monster Rehab Energy Drinks.
The only problem is that I can down 3 500ml cans of them in 30 minutes meaning that I start to have panic attacks in work. By the mid morning scrum meeting I get paranoid and feel like screaming ‘We must eliminate the red threat, they are all out to fucking kill us!’ before dashing home for the train.
Co-op Low fat Tuna & Pasta Salad – 260 calories
I eat this in a vain attempt to appear healthy to my coworkers who seem to think that I’m on a suicide mission with my breakfast. To be honest it’s quite nice and sometimes if I’m hungry I’ll have 3.
Co-op Ham and Cheese sandwiches – 415 calories
These only cost 95p as their use by date was today. Excellent value. I love the Co-op although they keep trying to recruit me onto their little card scheme.
Sorry, but I don’t join cults as a matter of principle. Today you’re teasing me with loyalty points but tomorrow you’ll try lodging a copy of ‘Das Kapital’ up my hole.
Galaxy Counters – 185 calories
I get bored and hungry on the mile long round trip to the shop. These help with the boredom. I fantasise about throwing sweets at the heads of those who walk too slow on the pavement and thereby make me late for my desk nomming.
Mid-afternoon break (3pm)
I like walking down to the Mace store down the road where I’ll buy some refreshments to carry me through until work ends at 5:30pm.
Lindor balls – 240 calories.
These are delicious and are a perfect mid afternoon snack. I usually have this eaten by the time I’ve walked back up from the shop.
Tootie Frooties – 162 calories
I keep these on my desk and use them as brain fuel. Pretty good as a pick-me-up and fucking lethal if you put them in a slingshot and aim them at someone’s head. Perfect for quickly resolving any lingering office disputes.
Pre-train food and train food.
Reese’s Sticks – 220 calories
I fucking love these bastards but they are gone much too quickly.
Riesen – 205 calories
Same idea as above but they last a little longer. God loves the Storck company.
Fanta Strawberry – 180 calories
Train drink. Delicious. We can’t buy this in most shops over in Northern Ireland and therefore have to go to special places for our fix. £1.49 a can from the Botanic Centra. I only have this on special occasions.
Xtreme Chewits (Tutti Frutti flavour) – 125 calories
Love these. Amazing flavour. Couldn’t enjoy them today as some drunk man sat beside me and opened up a bottle of Heineken on the train and I was worried he was gonna try to take me into the toilets and show me the wonder of pork.
It didn’t help that the sweets were Tutti Frutti flavour. I’m not saying that a man’s choice in candy says anything about his sexuality, but I wasn’t up for taking any fucking risks.
Morale : You only get one asshole in this life. Use it carefully.
2x Mini Babybel Cheese – 122 calories
Problem with these bad boys is that they are really fucking moreish. I have to exercise some serious willpower to stop a gorging session developing.
When I’m drunk I feed them to the next door neighbour’s cat to try to get rid of them otherwise they will end up in my stomach.
Tesco Chilli Chicken Noodle Salad – 195 calories.
Beautiful, supreme, superb and only 190 calories. I’m convinced that Tesco have just developed extremely tasty paper here and marketed it as chicken. It’s fucking amazing.