My Alli Diet Pill Horror Story – When My Bowels Failed Me After 4 Pints Of Guinness.
I tried Alli out of desperation at the start of my weight loss journey. This was in January 2010 when I was around 275lbs and still technically obese.
At the time I was on the Weight Watchers regime and my only form of exercise was 2 mile walks at the weekend. I still had no idea that I’d become a runner at this point and was more interested in shedding the pounds than anything else.
I was losing approximately 2 pounds a week which wasn’t quick enough for my liking as I had so much weight to lose so I decided to give Alli a go as it promised to hasten my progress.
What could I possibly lose apart from a lot of weight?
At the start the tablets worked. I lost a total of 6 pounds in my first two weeks on the regime but I’m not sure over how much of that can be attributed to my dieting or to the tablets.
My Alli experience quickly turned sour one night when I went to see Edwyn Collins in the Black Box in Belfast. Normally before gigs I will drink several pints to improve my buzz and get in the mood for the event.
The evening in question was no different only this time around I tried Guinness instead of my usual Budweiser as the stout was lower on Weight Watchers points at the time.
4 pints and 2 hours later and the gig was over. Suddenly I felt an intense cringing pain in my bowels like no other.
It was like someone had pierced my rectum with a javelin. I ran out to the front of the Black Box in search of the toilets where I seen Edwyn Collins limping away to his changing room. He was still quite frail after his health problems and he must have thought I was gonna Morrissey him up the bum.
I had no time to ask for his autograph as I was distraught and in fear for my jeans. I started to knead the carpet like a cat to try to keep the lava in whilst I scanned the lobby for a cubicle.
Then out of nowhere I let out the dampest fart known to man. I knew I was in trouble instantly as my farts before that in the hallway were very warm.
As a rule of thumb, the hotter the fart the greater the danger for me.
If my farts are stone cold then I’m confident that I’d be able to fart a sprightly medley of all the National anthems that have ever existed without going in off.
This fart was clearly a fever fart. It gave me no warning. It arrived at my feet with little fanfare, much like a stray dog sauntering through a cat flap.
I wasn’t sure if I’d actually shit myself or not.
I was close to performing the 2 finger test but I saw that Edwyn was still making his way up the hallway and the last thing you want to do when you’re in front of one of your musical heroes is to be caught with a finger up your hole.
I did the Protestant thing and yanked down my bags in the toilet cubicle. All sorts of horror scenes were playing through my mind. Would it be like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory meets the scene in The Shining where the dead twin girls are lying in the corridor?
I closed my eyes and counted 3-2-1-Surprise!!!
The good news was that I’d only buttered my cheeks. It was humiliating but by no means the end of my world. This was still enough to force me into an extensive clean up operation that ended with me flushing my Primark boxers down the toilet.
But I’d never seen anything like that shit before in my life. This was not normal crap. It looked like honeyed porridge and was completely odourless. I was effectively shitting like a budgie.
I didn’t need this in my life.
Alli seems to work on the basis that if you don’t eat well then you’ll shit yourself as punishment. Whilst this works at first you can’t live your life in fear that one Mars Bar or 4 pints of Guinness will make your shit box fire whilst you’re out shopping for pyjamas with Grandma.
These diet pills always come with a diet programme that you have to follow for them to work for you. The thing is that if you were to follow the programme without the tablets you’d lose weight in a safe and controlled way.
You don’t need the tablets.
Permanent weight loss isn’t about quick fixes or drastic lifestyle changes. You’ve gotta work on bettering yourself little by little over a long period of time. Taking drugs to try to speed the process up will only end in disaster most of the time. The temptation is always there when you’ve gotta lose a lot and that’s why the companies who market these pills will continue to prosper whilst poor bastards soil themselves after too much dessert and/or Guinness.
The quick fixes keep you locked in a cycle of failure , shame and self loathing. The real power to change your life resides within you, not within a stupid fucking pill.
The pharmaceutical companies don’t make money by making a success story out of you.