Living Like You’ve Already Lost
What have you got to lose by trying in life?
I tried my first 100k 3 years ago and I couldn’t have been any less prepared for it. I finished in 28 hours. I was being overtaken by even the slower walkers at the end. I had failed and made myself look like an idiot but what does it matter? We’re all idiots and we’re all on our way out.
What does it matter if you try and fail?
Same thing with my book. I wrote most of it drunk off my tits. Towards the end of it I was drinking 700ml to 1 litre of whiskey a day. The book was an absolute mess. I had no ‘right’ to write a book as I was a shit runner and a poor writer. But I finished it and some people liked it so it wasn’t a complete fucking failure.
Failure makes you more resilient. Once you lose it all and are stripped back to your core, you realise you’re stronger than you had thought. When I got asked to leave unceremoniously in my job back in October 2015 I knew I needed to make a positive change but I was so hopeless at the time. I’d been a drunk for most of my adult life.
I finally quit boozing in November 2015, started on my run streak in December 2015 and here I am with some momentum behind me. I feel like I can really start to achieve some shit and it’s all because of the hopelessness I felt in October 2015.
I don’t want to go back there! When you experience shit like that something within you deepens. It’s hard to describe. It’s too important to give up on even on days when everything seems hopeless.
I’m looking forward to May. I’ll do London 2 Brighton at the end of the month and spend the start of the month getting in control of my weight. I just hope I’m not too comically fat to do well at the Isle of Wight Challenge. I’m still below 90kg but I’m getting close to hitting it. Can’t allow myself to go above it again. I’m struggling to cope with my ravenous hunger. It’s hard to know whether it’s my body recovering from the ultra last week or a tapeworm.
When does being a bit of a fat bastard end and having an eating disorder start?
It’s a genuine question I’d like to know the answer to.
I still get people saying I’m irresponsible by not settling down and committing to what everyone else is committing to. Houses, careers, cats, kids and all of that. The most irresponsible thing you can do is to live inauthentically. To live to please others. So many people lead the same lives and I don’t find it appealing in the slightest.
I’m trying to find the life I want to live. I’m mixing and matching. People seem to like this blog as I mix the very worst of running with the very worse of emo philosophy. Those two don’t belong together. Most exercise blogs are all about false positivity, denial, smily beautiful pictures and then more sweaty selfies.
That’s been done to death.