Letting Sleeping Dogs Lie
Sometimes I get asked why I don’t try to moderate alcohol use now that I have been sober for over a year. It’s a good question but I’d rather let sleeping dogs lie. I could moderate alcohol in 2017. I’d likely start to drink more and more throughout 2018 and 2019 and by 2020 I’d be back to where I was again in 2015.
I refuse to go back to hopelessness again. I might not make it back next time.
Staying sober hasn’t anything to do with ‘self control’. I am not stupid enough to fuck around with a powerful drug when I’ve seen what it can do to people in my family and in society itself.
I’ve seen what it can do to me.
Alcohol likely isn’t as dangerous as heroin as a drug. But it is a dangerous drug. Heroin use is taboo. Junkies are seen as scum. Alcohol use is promoted widespread in commercials, movies, fraternities and families. It’s used everywhere and it’s accepted in most situations.
You fuck with a drug for long enough and eventually it will fuck with you. Anyone that is caught with a needle in their arm is perceived to be a junkie. Only those who are homeless and caught drinking cheap alcohol at a bus stop, whilst screaming at invisible enemies are perceived to be alcoholics.
That means the 99.999% of all drinkers aren’t alcoholics or in danger of being one. Alcoholics Anonymous makes shit worse by telling people that alcoholism is a spiritual condition rather than a drug addiction. It’s an addictive drug that is promoted everywhere you go. You try to watch a football match. BAM. Probably the best lager in the world. You watch some TV. BAM. Some glamorous bastard is jumping into a bath with a glass of wine. You log into Facebook and BAM it seems to always be wine o’clock in that fucking place.
You fuck with any addictive drug for long enough and you’ll develop a dependence to that drug. It might take you 6 months or 60 years. Eventually it will get you. There’s a reason why painkillers containing codeine have a message on them saying ‘May cause addiction’. You’re taking a potentially dangerous drug. No such message appears on bottles of Smirnoff.
I don’t try to moderate alcohol as I’ve no interest in drinking moderately. Drinking 2 beers sounds boring. I drank as I wanted to stop being myself. I wanted the awful sweaty flaky awkwardness to end. For it to be replaced with something/someone that was fearless and new.
I’ve always been seen as an awkward weirdo. I’ve been told that it’s wrong to be shy. When you grow up with people telling you that you are wrong, you believe it. I drank to be right. To remove the awkwardness and to actually talk to people.
It made perfect sense for me to drink. I wanted to be OK within myself. But the more I look on it, the more I realise alcohol wasn’t working for me. Alcohol was making me more shy. I’d lose my inhibitions whilst drunk, do stupid shit, regret it and then clam up even more once I’d sobered up.
I was killing myself to be accepted. A society where you have to destroy yourself to fit in isn’t one worth conforming to. It’s better to own your weirdness and just be who you are.
We’re told to drink responsibly. I drink responsibility. I don’t drink as I respect that alcohol is at best a Class B Drug that defied classification because of it’s early popularity throughout civilisation.
“It takes years to find the nerve to be apart from what you’ve done. To find the truth inside yourself and not depend on anyone”
Alcohol is only fun when you think about the narcotic high and not what follows. The debt, the severed friendships, the weight gain and the depression. When I think about drinking I consider the whole picture.
Which is why I’m not drinking today.