Kebab Shop Blues & The End Of The 34″ Waist?
I’m fucking annoyed with myself. Even though I ran 7.4 miles today I’ve been eating like a cunt. I woke up this morning and had a baguette. Then a packet of popcorn. And finally a kebab for lunch. I couldn’t look the kebab shop guy in the face as I ordered it either. He wanted to talk about football but I pretended to be Danish to put an end to the interaction.
Snakker du Dansk?
My conscience had already left the building.
I don’t know what’s wrong with my head. I’ve set myself into a tailspin ever since the Las Vegas marathon in November and it’s frustrating. I know what I’m doing to myself is counterproductive but yet I keep fucking doing it.
Surely that’s the definition of an idiot?
I can’t fit into my jeans anymore either
I’ve been a 34″ waist in jeans for the last 3 years and tonight after my post-run shower I realised that was no longer the case. It took about 2 hours to fit into the fucking things and by the time they were on I had to take them off again as I was scared of the button popping and smashing the bathroom window.
I refuse to buy 36″ jeans. I don’t want to go down to Primark for a new pair as every time I enter that store I get very depressed and end up going on a bender to drown out the misery of watching immigrants fight in the aisles with the underclass for the last of the bargain socks.
I’ll continue to wear these 34″ jeans and they are gonna be a reminder that junk food makes me feel worse. At the minute I really don’t want to go outside and do anything. I’m not comfortable in my own skin.
This is how I became a recluse in 2009. It wasn’t so much that I was afraid of being judged. If you’ve been overweight in the past you don’t really fear what others will say about you as the shit in your own head is always 100x worse. You know your own weaknesses and you can torture yourself better than any fucker on the planet.
That’s why I need to get better. Once you stop being your own worst enemy you become quite a fearless bastard. You stop caring what others think and can go out and attack the world (and let’s face it, it is a world worth attacking).
Everything is easier in life when you make the right choices. Unfortunately your choices often reflect your inner state. If your head is a mess then that will be reflected externally too. You can try to whisper incantations, mantras or prayers to your dead cat but nothing good is gonna happen until you make better choices and that all starts with a single good choice today.
Tomorrow is another day and I’m gonna try again. The upside of today is that I fought like hell on my run to keep going. I wanted to stop at 10k but stretched it out to 7.4 miles.