Just Don’t Eat
I’ve been keeping to a healthier eating regime the last few weeks but now I’m wide awake at 2:30am and frantically scouring the Just Eat listings to find somewhere in Hounslow that even has an “average” rating. I’m on edge.
Just Eat is a dreadful experience. The “Your order is in the kitchen” email gives me a dopamine spike but it’s quickly ruined by self hatred and the knowledge I’ve caved in once again. Then once I’ve inhaled all the fatty shit I get the “how did we do?” email from them.
“Not fucking good enough sunshine, you didn’t attempt to punch me in the face with the pizza pie. You could’ve known that I wasn’t eating out of hunger, but in a vain attempt to fill the hole in the soul.”
You’re not sober if you still have the hole in the soul apparently. You need to ask God to remove it. I think God has more important things to be tending to and not me and my Kentucky Fried S.O.S bollocks. White-boy privilege is a terrible thing. My problems stem from my decadent ways. Self inflicted idiocy. To eat pizza, or not to eat pizza, that is the question.
Whatever you are, you’ve gotta try to find peace with yourself.
If you try to search for happiness outside of yourself, it’s not gonna fucking work.
Even when I was at a healthy weight, my mindset was fucked. I was in great shape this time last year but I didn’t appreciate it and I let it slip. I got greedy and assumed that just because I wasn’t drinking, I could never go backwards. Wrong.
I was OK and I’m probably OK now but SOMETHING FEELS WRONG, HELP, BRING IN THE PIZZA, THE COMFORTING FUCKING MUSHY CHEESE GOODNESS WILL HELP ME SLEEP AND LA-DE-DA, WE’LL START HEALTHY EATING AGAIN TOMORROW.
Wake up to greasy bedsheets. New squalor and sadness. Skin glued to mattress with parmesan.
Wish I could just tell the hotel reception downstairs to tell anyone wearing a “Just Eat” jacket to fuck off. There’s no “Mr Matt” here. Leave the pizza out on Hounslow Heath for the foxes to eat. Stop the fuckers screaming so loud at night. Awful fucking fat will glue their mouths shut.
Keep them warm.