I’m Concentrating On Doing One Positive Thing Each Day And Today I Succeeded.
I’m on the countdown to returning back home for the Christmas period and I can still see glimpses of my old self from 2009 in me.
I haven’t been going out often in London. I’m trying to save money as I want to be comfortable when I come back over in January. This means that I’m confined to the same street in Tottenham and it’s like 2009 all over again where I’d haunt the Stranmillis Road in either a drink or kebab sodden state. It’s not healthy for me.
Last night I decided to order pizza for the first time ever in London. Since it’s 2 for Tuesday I decided to order 2 and had the cold pizza for Breakfast. There’s something deeply sad about having cold pizza for breakfast. In bed. On your own. Stare in the mirror and all you see is a fat head with tomato sauce tattooed on your face.
By 10am I had no pizza left. I wanted to return to bed in shame and write the day off but instead I got up and tried to do something positive for myself. I tidied my room. I opened my blinds. And then I went out for a run.
It was a glorious day outside and for the first time this month running came easily to me. I did 9 miles in 83 minutes and it was great feeling strong both at the start and end of the run. I was meant to run on Monday and Tuesday but I’ve been dreading the pain of running all weekend.
It’s much easier to sit inside and promise that I’lll run later. I’ll fed myself some bullshit that I’ll leave it until tomorrow to start taking training seriously and it’s always entertaining creating little plans in your head.
Mainly because you don’t have to do any work to feel the same buzz.
It’s like promising yourself that you’ll write a book at a later date. It won’t happen unless you write today. You won’t become fitter if you just dream up your perfect body. You have to do something to set it in motion. Self delusion is a cruel mistress.
I came back in and watched a documentary about the Ramones and gradually snapped into that negative mindset where I was both restless and apathetic. It’s that state where I’m most in danger, when I’m likely to get the bus into London and hit the West End for a lamb samosa and pints.
I didn’t catch the bus. I showered. I had some dinner. And then I went to bed at 8pm to try to escape the boredom.
Now I’m wide awake and feeling OK.
I’m still in control of my life whilst I vow to do something positive each day. I only fell into my rut in 2009 as I refused to do anything good for weeks and months on end and I let everything spiral out of control.
I’m not becoming that person again but it’s always an option if I’m not careful. I now know that I’m 100% responsible for the lifestyle I lead. If I fuck up, then it’s because I made the wrong decision. There’s no point in feeling sorry for myself.
I’m living in London and I’ve gotta make the most of this experience. I don’t want to feel trapped on the same old street. I want to run out into the countryside. I want to move away from my previous self and just leave that life behind forever. I want to find myself, but not just any old self. Something new, better, whole and without limits.
I think I just need a wank.