I Want To Lose My Mind
I’d love to rid myself of my bad brain. The bitchy part that judges, mocks, criticises and counts. I’ve no use for it when it comes to running. It’s never helped me once.
I’ve never ‘talked’ myself out of a bad run but I’ve ruined so many good runs by thinking about shit that causes mental pain/discomfort and I start to drag my legs because of it.
Take last night. I ran the first 7k without checking my watch once through Brighton. Then I started checking it every 0.25km until I got back as I’d set myself the 80km goal that I needed to hit. I started thinking about negative shit. It turned a great run into only a good one. When I start thinking whilst running it only turns negative. It’s never positive. I can only change a bad run into a good run by stopping all thought and disassociating myself from my mind. I’ve no fucking time for it’s bullshit anymore. If I could find out where it lives in my head I’d drill the fucking thing out.
It ruins my days. My mind runs amok and can criticise and ruin any situation. Piss on any peace. If I’m hungry it can’t get enough food. When I’ve eaten it criticises for eating too much. I hate it more than I’ve hated anything in my life.
I managed to rid myself of it tonight for a little bit as I walked along the promenade. Just watched the sunset and relaxed. Went for a milkshake and a crepe. Sat down and thought of nothing for once.
The reason why I’m drawn to ultra running are the moments when I stop thinking altogether and just lose myself in an experience. I don’t think about how far I’ve came or how far I’ve to go. I become the sunset. My legs an extension of the ground.
It helps me escape myself for a bit but every now and then I become more embroiled in all the bullshit.
I need to stop taking anything that goes on in my head seriously and focus more on being. I was watching a seagull for half an hour outside a Costa Coffee earlier. Every seagull has a different personality but largely all they do is shit and eat. Made me feel less alone in the universe as that’s what I do too.
I don’t have to worry about survival on a day to day basis so my mind enjoys inventing survival games based on crazy “what if” scenarios. Shit like “well if Donald Trump starts World War III then I’ll definitely go back to drinking at least until I’m incinerated”.
Time to go out and turn off the crazy for a little bit.
“Well if you don’t run at least 10k then you’re clearly a cunt”
Thanks for that brain. Go fuck yourself.