I Used To Really Hate Long Slow Distance Runs. Now I Don’t.

I hate conventional long runs. Sucking down on energy gels. That can fuck off. Carrying a Cambelbak with 2 litres of mystery liquid that could be piss on your shoulders? That can fuck off. Being terrified of stopping and ruining all of your hard work? That can fuck off. Berating yourself for being a slow, lazy, fat, useless cunt? That can fuck off too.

I’m doing things differently now. I’m purely focusing on time spent on my feet and I’m trying to enjoy my day. I don’t bring any gels or supplies with me apart from my smartphone and my contactless bank card. Even that’s too much. I want a chip implanted in my forehead that will allow me to head butt scanners in order to purchase goods.

I set off to Bishop’s Stortford today on the train

And I was very happy to get there.

It’s a town about 26 miles from Tottenham and my goal was to make it as close to London as possible before stopping.

It isn’t quite as nice as continental Europe..

I’ve been reading ‘Slow Burn’ by Stu Mittleman again and part of his philosophy centres around exercising easily and resting before you physically have to stop. My aim was to stop off for something to eat every 8 or 9 miles and to try to enjoy my day whilst experiencing as little discomfort as possible.

I turned off all alerts on my Garmin watch and ran as easily as I could. I immersed myself in the trails and I lost myself for a few hours. It was beautiful.

My first stop off wasn’t a great success. I ended up going to a garage forecourt just outside Harlow Town and got Skittles, snack bars and some water. I sat a bus stop like a tramp with a carrier bag and just ate everything I had there and then. If anyone had tried approaching me I’d have fucking flipped the cunts off.

The second stop off was better. I had pizza in The Crown at Broxbourne. It was the first time I’ve been in a pub in Britain since I stopped drinking. I felt comfortable there. I’d rather enjoy a tasty soft drink rather than some rancid dog piss that will just make me sleepy and/or hateful.

I ran 32km or 20 miles over the course of two runs. I reset my watch every time I took a break in order to simulate the checkpoints in most ultra events.

I could have continued on but unfortunately it was beginning to get dark.

I want to run the same route again only this time do a 50k. I know I can do it easily. More importantly I want to have more days like today. I experienced peace and joy. I never used to get that on the long run. It was always centered on misery, nausea and the fear of shitting myself.

At least now I can stop off at a Wetherspoons and shit into a toilet. Before I wouldn’t even let myself have toilet breaks (I considered that cheating).