I Run As It Helps My Depression
I went out and ran 5.3 miles today. It was my first run of April and my opening run for 100k training for my fundraising for Mind and it was good.
It was such a lovely day and it was good to just do something other than withdraw back into my fucking shell.
I’ve tried updating this blog so many times since last week but I just fucking hate writing at the moment. Ever since I spawned that demon abortion of a book I’ve fucking hatred the process. I hate shitting out platitudes. I find the process of documenting runs tedious. There are only so many ways you can describe putting one foot in front of the other before you get sick and fucking tired of it all.
All of what I write seems like such a fucking downer and I hate when I pretend to be positive when I’m not truly reflecting how I feel inside.
I thought I hated running too.
I started envying the determination of people on Twitter to run and their enthusiasm for it. Sitting inside for 16 hours a day whilst trying to recover from the virus didn’t help me. I wanted to block all of it out. Sleeping helped.
I’ve been researching alcoholism and depression recently because I want an explanation of who I am. I got bored one night and went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Tottenham back in January and didn’t really get anything out of it. I don’t subscribe to the idea that addiction is a disease. I think it belittles real diseases like cancer. If anything addiction is a symptom of depression which is obviously an illness and if you’re gonna treat anything, you’ve gotta treat that first.
I can’t rule out that I’m not an alcoholic. All I know is that I wasn’t born to be one. I’m the same person that I was before I started drinking; self conscious, withdrawn and depressed. Nothing has changed but the introduction of alcohol which has made me do shameful and stupid things over the years which has fed into the self consciousness, withdrawal from society and the depression.
Running over the past 5 years has given me a platform to fight back against all of that. And it hasn’t got a fucking thing to do with getting faster or fitter. It’s been about getting out the fucking door instead of sitting inside all day inside my own head.
So yeah. I ran today and it was good. And that’s why I’m doing the 100k for Mind. With the absence of a God as a Higher Power, I have chosen running slowly around London to be my deity.
Just keep fucking going, yeah?