I Missed A Training Run Tonight. Is It The End Of The World?
Hey cunts, I’ll keep this short otherwise I’ll never post it.
I wanted to run tonight but I’ve no energy. Ever since I stopped running in December I’ve become very anxious about missing runs. I worry that every run will be my last run and I find that fucking terrifying.
What makes it worse is that my last run on Monday was horrific. I know it’s because I was stupid and I ran when tired, but I can’t escape the memory of panting like a silly cunt and the tendency is to think you’re next run will be as bad as the last.
How I stopped running last year.
I never recovered after dropping out of Munich back in October. My spirits dropped and I became so focused on finishing my book that I stopped running altogether towards the end of November.
During that period I was eating fried chicken and chips for almost every meal. I gained close to 28 pounds in 2 months. The weight gain made running seem futile. I’d fucked myself up properly and I was never gonna get back to my old standards, so what was the point?
I stopped going out so much. I returned to living how I’d lived through 2007-09. I sat around in a freezing house in Tottenham, promoting a book that I kinda resented as it was obviously bullshit. I was trying to live the inspirational narrative of becoming the functional sub 4-hour marathoner and I seriously fucked it up and I lost any idea of who I was as a person.
Getting back to being me.
It’s taken a while but I’ve lost 6 of those 28 pounds I put on in two months. I’m now back to enjoying running.
It’s coming up to the 5 year anniversary of the beginning of my weight loss journey and I need to show that a transformation can be sustained. Too many of the fitness bloggers that I started reading back in 2011 are now even heavier than when they were at their worst which is a pretty fucking depressing message to transmit out to the world.
Reclaiming running as my own is the first step, I just need to keep on dropping the pounds slowly. I’m gonna be doing Dublin this year again but I’m not returning to Las Vegas.
If I survive the 100k to Cambridge then I’ll go straight into training for the London 2 Brighton 100k and I’ll be doing no speedwork and as little self loathing as possible in training runs.
I want to see how far past 100k I can go in a single week. 109 is my best so far.