I Fucked Up Badly Last Week But Now I’m Back On Track.
I’m sorry I’ve left it so long since my last post.
Last week was a good week for running and fitness all up until the weekend. You see I haven’t been going out very much recently as I’ve been so busy with the book and on Friday and Saturday I was out drinking with friends and I let go a little and ended up quite drunk.
On Saturday night I went out to Shoreditch and had a good natured political discussion with a friend that I carried over onto Twitter on the night bus home.
What followed was a boring rant about how I hate nationalism, patriotism and all of that shit. It’s all true, but over the past 3 years I’ve been trying to find something positive to believe in. It’s too easy to think that everything is bullshit without having something that you actually do cherish.
At the moment that belief is “I’m not against Scottish Independence, I just fucking hate Alex Salmond’s face”. That will do for a start.
I woke up the next morning with a horrible hangover and most importantly…..
I missed my long run!
With only 3 weeks to Loch Ness this is bad news. I don’t know why it is but I always seem to lose myself a few weeks before every marathon. I’m not sure if it’s the anxiety or something else inherently self destructive within me.
I’m fucked if I know.
I need a positive response now. I spent Sunday and Monday in shame and it hasn’t helped. I’ve got to be accepting of who I am if I’m to keep making progress.
The truth is I am someone who over the past 3 years has become significantly less prone to having down or angry periods when drinking.
I want that to continue. I want to be happier more of the time and to keep going in that direction.
The last time I got badly drunk was 6 weeks ago and on the morning after it I got a crew cut and vowed to do better by myself. That was quite a low key drunken night. I think I had 5 pints and went home and listened to live sets by Nirvana.
I just felt horrible the next morning.
But over the next 4 weeks in July 2014 I ran 245 miles and I think I brought about a huge set of positive changes in my life during that period.
I want to do something similar this time and I’m starting from a great place.
At the moment I’m the thinnest I’ve been in my adult life. I’m 13st 13lbs (or 195lbs for the Americans amongst you!). I work in a place that I’m happy to come into every single morning and I love where I live.
It’s all up to me really. I used to think that other people were responsible for withholding joy from me and that I was somehow being left out of life.
The reality is that at that time I was making shitty lifestyle choices and not taking responsibility for my actions.
Now I accept full responsibility for everything, especially my decision to drink too much last week and to mouth off about things and people I hate. In the long run focusing on that shit doesn’t make me any happier.
I want to be happier more of the time so I’ll focus less on it.
I’ve never got anywhere by staying angry or disappointed at myself. The only response is to attack and to get back out there.