I Fell Out Of Hatred Today
I didn’t sleep well again last night thanks to snorers and party people. A group came in stinking of booze at 5am and turned the lights on waking us up. I hadn’t smelled alcohol that strongly since I took my last shit of the holiday at the airport in Tenerife in November. I almost vomited.
I went out at 6am to try to run off the hate but I ended up tripping over myself and cutting my arm. I jumped up immediately and let out a holy primal scream. It helped somewhat and I let a few more out when running across into Buda.
Worst of all I’m suffering badly from a dead arse.
I’ve been waking up in desperation recently. My mind plays tricks on me that this is gonna be the day that I go back to drinking and it upsets me enough to make me declare that I won’t drink today and go about the morning in a positive manner. The future fucking terrifies me as all I can see is a mirror image of the past. I won’t let that fear destroy my resolve. I need to make each day count. I can only cope with today.
Fuck the past and the future.
I loved Budapest but it is scary how the culture seems to revolve around drinking. Every hour is happy hour unless you’re a booze bag trying to find an even keel between too much and too little alcohol. For me towards the end it was becoming increasingly difficult to strike that balance.
The temptation from alcohol is everywhere in the West and all of the role models in modern society are whoring it out. I take a lot of inspiration from David Bowie, Iggy Pop, Marky Ramone, Bill Hicks and anyone else who left the bottle behind only to find their authentic self.
I was sad to hear about the attacks in Brussels after spending 2 nights there a fortnight ago. It’s just absolutely senseless.
People talk about how there’s a war now in continental Europe and how every major city is a potential battleground. I don’t agree with that. There is no war. Just a bunch of assholes trying to paralyse people with fear and hatred. It’s too easy to let your fear of these idiots dominate your life.
Traveling around Europe is completely safe. The only ongoing war is the one for your mind between the terrorists themselves and the politicians who are playing on that fear for their own means.