I Didn’t Even Start London To Brighton

I was a bit manic last night. I started thinking about doing the 100k after all at about 2am last night. The weather had changed to a maximum of 26c and further south it got progressively cooler. I was really excited about doing all of it again.

So excited that I finally got asleep at 3am and then my alarm went off 5 minutes later at 5am.

I woke up exhausted. The reason I’m able to do the John O Groats challenge in June is that I am finishing off more contract work at the moment. I’ve been working hard all week and I haven’t been getting very much sleep as I want to deliver my best as I never want to feel the disappointment I felt after being sacked ever again.

I racked my brain for excuses and ways out of doing it but it was like one of those times where I was desperately hungover and trying to think of a reason to phone in sick to work. Nothing was coming to my head. None of my pets had died. My granny’s not in ISIS. My dog hadn’t pissed all over my race shorts.

Then my brain sent me on a guilt trip “you’re letting everyone down”. “If you don’t do the race today then you’re obviously not gonna do LEJOG”.  Well I’m not letting myself down. I have no reason as to why I’m not doing the event today. I’m just not doing it. I’m sure there is someone out there who is disappointed at me, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

And as for not doing LEJOG, fuck that, I am starting on the 1st June. My train to Penzance is at a respectable time in the morning. If I miss that train then I can get the next one.

So I guess the reason I’m not running the race is that I am a bit of a lazy bastard.  Actually no. I’m not lazy. I did not run this race as I see no point in pushing myself to the point where I collapse mentally.

This is about aiming for better mental health. Not about running myself into the ground. If I crack up and return to my old ways then all of this will have been for nothing. I am not going back to that lifestyle. Not drinking is the most important thing for me. Then it’s running. Then it’s a successful career and then writing.

I’ve got this far in my run streak by listening to my body and I hope I continue that for a long time to come. I’ve been on a bit of a downward trend recently and it started at Isle of Wight. I don’t see the point in entering races I might not be able to finish if they lead to a deterioration in either my mind or body.

I will be running as usual tonight and I’m gonna spend today doing a little bit of work as I don’t want to come to Tuesday and have shit loads to do in my contract.

Hopefully I can do something special in June. It’s shit or get off the pot time for me. May might not have lived up to my expectations but I can draw a line under all of this shit by having a fun, happy and active LEJOG.