I Am Not An Overweight Man Anymore Even When You Take Me At My Shortest
I’m not overweight anymore according to the BMI charts on the internet, even when I put myself down as 6′ 2″ straight.
It’s only taken 6 years but I’ve reached the promised land. And I feel exactly the same as I did when I was overweight. Just a little bit lighter and a bit more relaxed.
Only I was not relaxed tonight. I was fucking furious with traffic on the Balls Pond Road on the run home from work. I am still an angry jogger. I get infuriated by shit I have no control over such as traffic. I get really offended when 3 buses pass by me slowly at once meaning I’ve no chance of crossing the road when I want to.
If the bus is going to somewhere like Highbury Corner or Notting Hill then I make unfair assumptions about all of the people on the bus.
I hate standing still at the traffic lights. I never know what to do. If I was to jog on the spot with my knees knocking against my chin I’d look even more special than I already do. If I do nothing, I somehow feel like I’m cheating myself by being a lazy bastard. My choice is to just fucking frown at cars and cyclists and to check my watch repeatedly as it beeps to see if I’m still alive and to impatiently look from side to side and tut every so often until it’s time to move.
I had another high fat day today, this time with 95g of carbs which mostly came from a naked burrito bowl from Tesco. It didn’t taste quite as disgusting as the rest of their food-to-go range. The guacamole is quite sexy. The salsa dip gave me the horn, The chips weren’t so good. Thst is all you’re getting from me. I will never be a fucking foodie. Food is food. It all ends up going into the same hole. And then out of the other one. Hopefully not immediately either. Ebola from a sandwich is about as welcome as an erection at a funeral.
Cut the fucking crap and eat the fucking thing and stop comparing celery to a ‘mystical summer spa in 1860’s Cumbria’.
So yes. I’m not overweight anymore and I should celebrate. In the past I’ve done that with booze and food and I can’t do the first one. So I might go and buy myself a block of Port Salut or something.
I don’t know how normal people celebrate. Do they stay indoors, run a bath and masturbate to ‘Something In The Air Tonight’?
How the fuck do you celebrate?