How To Run Successfully To The Toilet When You Really Need A Shit.
One of the greatest advantages of running is that allows for a chance to make it to the toilet if you’re suffering from intense gastric distress.
When you are living off a diet that is high in Mexican food and over proof rum then it is imperative that you know how to handle the evil brown threat when it comes knocking.
Here are some tips on how to run to a toilet if you are urgently needing a shit.
1) Realistically assess the nature of the threat – if your stomach is growling like a tiger within a washing machine then you need to make an emergency landing at the nearest John. Don’t be afraid to shit in McDonalds if you have to (not on a table or at the counter but in the toilet)
2) Take deep breaths – Focus on your breathing to stave off panic attacks. The last thing that you want to happen is to lose your mind on an escalator and to shart so badly that it flows out of your jeans and all the way down to the bottom like a mocking brown wave.
3) Try not to think of the worst possible outcome – In this instance, shitting yourself on the way to your aunt’s funeral might seem daunting, but thinking about it will only make it more likely to happen. Keep positive and make forward steps towards your goal.
4) Run at an easy pace – This is not the fucking time for fartlek runs. You don’t want to hit some uneven ground, fart and then void yourself in epic fashion. Run at a steady pace. Adopt a running stance that is conductive to keeping the brown within your body. Keep going. You’ve got this!
5) Make a beeline for the toilet and do not make eye contact with anyone – If you’re out shopping in the mall then it is important to ignore everyone in your way. If you get caught with someone from the Salvation Army and they are warming your heart with their winter appeal, then you’ll soon be warming your pants with Thursday’s Ben and Jerry’s.
6) Don’t bother stretching – I know some of you stretch every time before you run, but you’ve only got yourself to blame if the shit comes out during one of your yogic stretches. Focus on the task at hand and forget the superstition. This shit is important.
7) Celebrate a successful landing – Once you make it to the toilet, don’t worry about farting so loudly that security comes and frisks you in your cubicle. You’ve earned your shit. You are a winner!
This post was inspired by my many close encounters of the brown kind after 10 nights on malt liquor, tasty burritos and many Hot Tamales in Las Vegas.
It is time for me to go home now.
Thank God they have toilets on the plane.