How To Attract The Attention Of The Police As A Runner
Yes. As you’ve probably guessed I am running short of ideas of what to write about.
You try to blog every day in a year about a topic that is about as interesting as watching flies fuck! It’s tricky!
Runners and police officers tend to have good relations with each other. After all, they keep us safe at marathons and to show our gratitude we report most of the corpses we trip over when we’re out for our 6am jog to them.
Perhaps you’ve just discovered N.W.A and you want to cause some trouble with the pigs. If so, this list will help you get started.
- Drop your pants in front of a police officer and ask him to diagnose your running injury.
- Go for a piss in the most inconspicuous of areas – Or better yet try to piss whilst running. Once finished, shake yourself dry like a Formula 1 driver does with champagne on the podium at the end of a race.
- Go for a grab and dash at supermarkets that store their produce outside – At best you will get away with a bag of onions but at least you’ll get a chase.
- Call the police for every small motoring offence that you notice whilst running – Especially those fuckers that zoom on past pelican crossings without stopping. If you really want trouble, try reporting the same person twice but pretend to be a different person each time. Be obvious about it.
- Be one of those Strava wankers who draws out words with their runs – Only instead of drawing a picture of a cock, you will draw out cryptic clues to unsolved murders and send them to the police over Twitter.
- When you see a police car heading towards you, stop and start jogging in reverse whilst maintaining eye contact all of the way with them.
- Tell your local police officer that you’ll pay him £50 if he shows you where you can buy illegal performance enhancing steroids from.
- Print out your own “I can’t wait” IBS cards along with some obviously fake I.D – And use them to bargain your way into the toilets inside a police station when you’re really in need of a shit.
- Run like Richard Ashcroft walked in the Bitter Sweet Symphony video. This is exactly what I want to do when I’m trapped behind some block headed fucker who is checking their phone and not watching where they are going.
- Go to your local gated community and start running laps of it whilst staring into all of the windows.
Day 10 of 31
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