Guest Post : From Matt’s Left Shoe
It’s not often that I let other people post on this blog, but since it’s been about 13 years since my last post I decided to give this wanker a voice. Try not to be too hard on him. He has had to go through a lot.
This is his selfie face.
Please help me.
I’ve been living with Matt for around 341 years now it seems but really it’s only been 2 months.
We tend to go on slow runs through poorly lit areas of North London and I honestly don’t fucking know why he’s doing this to me. I sit there in the dark at night by his bed watching him snore, wishing either that he’d die or that he’d just put me on fucking Gumtree.
What makes it worse is that he takes me out everywhere. He tries to choke me with a gallon of “fresh linen air freshener by Sainsburys” ahead of company meetings but nothing on this earth can mask pure desperation on the Victoria Line.
He’s been trying to run faster too of late and that’s why he’s been falling a lot. It’s good to watch him spill. He’ll be running along normally and then he’ll hit a bump on the road. I’ll see it happening before he does and I’ll send a shock through his spine that’ll vaguely translate to “you see? paths have angles you daft cunt!’
Bin them if you hate them.