I hate running on a Sunday as it invariably means running with a hangover.
I didn’t drink that much last night either. 5 glasses of whiskey at most.
To anyone who doesn’t know what it’s like to run hungover, here is a quick summary.
You start off in a bad mood and it gets worse as you move along. It’s like some rat bastard has pumped the atmosphere full of treacle and you cut through the air like a limbless old lady in a rainforest.
As with all hangovers, you never know when you’re gonna need a shit. You suck in your chest, man breasts and ass to try to stop any discharges happening around the back.
This is guaranteed not to work. Your body is tense, but your bum-hole is as loose as your tongue was last night.
“If I can get to 3.5 miles, then I’ll be able to finish this” you say, out of breath. You don’t believe a word of it. You pray for this run to end and swear you’ll never drink on a night before a run again.
All bitter, bitter lies.
As you near the end of your run, you will feel like someone has turned gravity up a G. Your heart will become a pulsating black-hole, devouring all of your good memories and spitting out only the bad thoughts that’ll orbit around and around your mind until you’re home.
The body has long since stopped co-operating and slowing to a walk seems to be the only option. You keep going to punish yourself for having no willpower.
You finish but you don’t feel elated. You blame yourself for not being able to continue on further and talk about forcing yourself into jogging again later.
But you don’t. You feed your face with pizza and start the whole cycle over again.
This was me for 4.2 miles today. I craved oblivion for at least 4 of them.
For some reason I started grinning like a maniac as I hit the last 0.2 miles.
Maybe it was the thought of collapsing in my pit and never running again.
Tips For Running With A Hangover
- Hydrate well before you start your run. If you’re dehydrated before you start, then the run will be much more difficult than normal.
- Try to go to the toilet before you jog. If you’re anything like me, the last thing you want to encounter is bowel complaints when you’re 5 miles from home. Entertaining the thought of shitting by a roadside is excruciating.
- Go slow and enjoy. Don’t worry about your pace. You can conquer your hangover by going slow, far and trying your best to enjoy jogging.
- If you’re really hungover, then make it a short run. There have been times where I’ve known from the off that running anything over a 5k is next to impossible. Listen to your body.
- Finally, on a point related to #4, listen to your body but not your mind. If you’re suffering from an emotional hangover then your brain will be besieged with negative chatter. When I’m dreadfully hungover I’ll be cursing myself for being a willpower-less piece of shit who can’t run for toffee. Listen to how your body feels and obey it.
- Don’t take painkillers which have added caffeine. Caffeine is your enemy if you’re hungover. The last thing you want is to feel even more intensely when you’re suffering.
- Bring along an isotonic sports drink for your run. I personally use Lucozade Sport Orange. It helps replace some of the electrolytes that my body loses whilst dealing with the hangover.
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Argh. That sounds miserable. But good for you for keeping going!