Gas Panic In My Bathroom. Shit Attack Averted.
Only I’m not tapering. None of that mad carb-loading and resting malarkey. I’m just running even more slowly than usual and trying to stay out of trouble.
Today I did something I’ve never done before. I observed traffic laws on a run commute. I stopped and waited for the lights to turn before moving across busy roads. First time in 5 years. The entire run home was great. Ran happy and easily. I always told myself that stopping on the run was “cheating”. If my shoe lace came loose then I’d just let it stay that way even if I was on a long run.
I almost shit myself in the shower too just there now. I was 5 minutes into the lathering process when the pressure in my gut started. I wasn’t phased by this. I just tucked my arse as far in as possible in hope that the brown militia would retreat back. I danced a little jig, closed my eyes and prayed for peace.
Only it did not retreat. It got worse.
And I panicked. I got that intense “oh fuck I have to shit now and I don’t want to be cleaning raisins out of the bath plug for the next 3 hours” fear that we all get from time to time.
So I hurdled over the bath like Red Rum on ketamine over Beecher’s Brook. And slid onto my arse letting out this long, lingering fart that sounded like a sad question just as I lay there on the ground stricken and blind without my glasses.
Fortunately I can’t shit at the minute. I’ve started taking 2 Imodium before each long run and it’s worked so well that I’ve went to the toilet about 3 times in 10 days. On a 3,500 calorie per day diet.
I’m uninjured from my fall. It would have been much worse if I did the skids and then the other skids as I lay there screaming on the bathroom floor with a torn groin.
A late Christmas present for my landlord.
Morale of this story? When you need to shit, it’s best to just go and to not think that you can wait for 10-15 minutes until after shower/bath time.
Shit will happen one way or another.