Fuck The Wagon
I’ve been off the booze now for 798 days and life is gradually becoming easier.
When I started off on this journey I was “on the wagon”. Lots of people are on the wagon. The problem is that it’s easy to fall off. Sometimes it just takes a few shakes and you’re back to where you started.
I’ve stopped viewing it as being on a wagon. I’ve tried to built the wagon up as a fortress and it involves building a life that I want to lead as a sober man. It’s an ongoing progress.
I believe that relapses are a choice to drink. Maybe not a conscious choice. But a choice nonetheless. I take exception at the idea of them being a necessary part of recovery. Sometimes people go back out into the wild and never make it back.
Relapses are often a necessary part of death.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get another chance at this shit.
By not drinking alcohol I am not giving anything up. Except maybe shame and misery.
If I was still drinking I’d have never came up with the idea of running holidays as breaks. All I wanted to do on previous holidays was drink until I was comatose. Then when I got back home I joked about needing a holiday from my holiday.
Moving out of Tottenham was a difficult choice to make but a necessary one. The place I was staying in was a bit of a shithole. Now I’m much happier staying in hotels. I can come and go as I please without having to engage in conversation with random housemates in the kitchen.
I get to move around London and check out new places to run. I spent most of 2015-2017 running almost every single street in N17 and N18. Eventually I ran out of places and it became a little boring.
I’m free to live anywhere I want in Europe. I’m close to living the life I’ve always wanted to live but I feel like I’m tethered in place by my self doubt. Doubt is my place of comfort but it’s caused inertia in all areas of my life and I think it’s a fucking killer.
I guess I’m doing this journey across Spain as a way to fucking end that doubt. I am free but there’s something inside me that resents this. It wants to keep me tethered to my past addictive ways because I guess it senses it’s dying.