Fightback time fuckers!
Last night I was anticipating a defeated 5k around West Green. I got in 11.2k/7 miles instead and had no chocolate for supper. That already means that I’m reacting better than I usually do on a shitty day.
I have a tendency to fall on those angry runs too. I don’t pay any attention to where I’m stepping and trip up speed bumps and end up hurting myself. If I’m gonna get injured it’s through not paying attention to my step! By eating like shit I am increasing the chances that I’ll get injured out there.
I actually felt at peace in that run last night. Just took it easy mentally. No inner angry voices cursing me for my lack of discipline. No mocking. I moved my legs for a while and I escaped my brain.
April is gonna be a great month. I’ve got Liverpool to Manchester and then the Isle Of Wight Challenge at the end of the month. I also really wanna do London 2 Brighton again in May but I haven’t entered it yet.
I love weeks where I have an ultramarathon as it means all I have to do is a 5k each day to keep my streak going and that’s fucking easy. No pressure to go out and record long runs.
All this fitness shit is like one long tennis game. Sometimes it feels like you’re playing in a never-ending Deuce/Advantage/Deuce/Advantage sequence. Until you realise that all along you’ve been standing at the back of the court smashing yourself over the head with the racquet and that you’re only playing yourself. Just get the ball over the net and you win asshole.
I need to stop smashing my head in with the racquet too.
My negative inner voice has nothing to offer society. It still reverberates with the shit I got as a fat boy in school. It does not represent how I am now. My nihilism plays into ritualising the inner taunting. It’s all I’ve known. But believing in nihilism is a belief in itself and is therefore something. It shows the patent absurdness of being a nihilist, so fuck it all I’m gonna have a wank and a Cornetto and send Snapchats of my sack to your mother.
Life is never as bad as my head tells me it is. It enjoys it’s own sad story. It’s a story that does not stand up to scrutiny. I need to focus more on the fire inside. That transformative holy bright white light that helped burn away a lot of my misconceptions as a drinker and showed me who I can be.
Yesterday I ate about 5,000 calories and burned only 3,500. Today I ate 2,300 calories and burned 3,700. This is how it should be done. This is how I need to continue.
I’m gonna dedicate April to posting everything I eat. Even during my ultramarathons. I’m going for all deficits up until the Isle Of Wight Ultramarathon. I will aim to eat at least 5 portions of fruit and vegetables a day. I can continue on with the good progress I’ve made. My mental health is at stake. I helped myself so much by quitting alcohol now I just need to do this other thing for myself.
I’m not giving up on this shit. No more funny diets. Back to the fun and games of February but this time I’ll focus more on better foods.