Down At The Tube Station At Midnight With Gym Cock Fumes.

Today I completed my first ever gym session in London.

I spent 37 minutes on the stationary bike, 60 minutes on the treadmill and another 30 on the cross trainer.

It was a great experience apart from at the end when I tried to use a padlock to secure my bag in the changing rooms. It had a combination on it and I have only ever used the ones with the keys.

Suffice to say I managed to lock not only my bag but my phone and PIN number in the locker meaning I had to call the manager for help.

I just told them that I had no idea how the fucking locks worked and he stared at me as if I had two heads. I know it is not rocket science but I have never been great with my hands and I lose patience very quickly.

He opened the locker and I spent another 20 minutes fannying about with the lock.

I had a fuck it all moment and stormed out from the Gym and into the courtyard without taking a shower. Not the wisest choice ever.

There was no way out of the gym complex except through a hidden passage way with a door release button. A guy at the other side of the gate tried pointing out where it was but my lazy eye was following his hand. He was quickly growing impatient.

I lost my temper and shouted ‘fuck it mate I’m happy in here!’ and hid away around the corner where he couldn’t see me.

The poor fucker probably thinks I’m still there now. I do get very defensive about my squint. Kids took the piss out of it for years and now I get irritable when I think cunts are having a laugh.

Anyway I was wearing the shorts and T-shirt I’d brought for my gym session so I was fucking freezing outside and the stench emanating from my nether regions was quite frankly fucking appalling.

I hopped on the Northbound Victoria line tube and held my breath at every stop in case crowds of people hopped on and make a scene about my sweatiness.

Fortunately no one did.

It was the best moment of the day so far.

I’m gonna be working on building my endurance over the next few months at the gym. I’m determined to set right my wrongs since I moved here. It is tough going but it will get easier over time.